Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

by Becky Kennedy

“Nothing feels good, huh? Nothing feels like you want it to. I get that, sweetie. Some moments are like that.”

“It’s okay to need help and feel powerless. Strong, resilient people feel this way sometimes.”

When kids are whining, they are asking for some combination of more attention, more connection, more warmth, more empathy, and more validation.

Kids push boundaries, protest parents’ choices, and ask for unavailable options in order to feel out their own independence . . .

Parent’s job: decide what food is offered, where it is offered, when it is offered Child’s job: decide whether and how much to eat of what’s offered

“I am the only person in my body. I am the only person who knows what I want and what I am ready for and what feels right to me.” Let’s continue: “I am in charge of my body. I am in charge of my body boundaries. I am in charge of who touches me, for how long, and at what times. I can like something one day and not want it another day. I can be comfortable touching some people and not others. I am the only person who can make these decisions.” And one more: “There will be times when I assert myself based on what feels right to me and other people won’t like it. They will push back. They will talk about what they want from me instead of honoring what I’m telling them feels comfortable to me. It’s not my job to make other people happy. Their discomfort is a feeling in their body, and it’s not my fault or my responsibility to make this feeling go away.”

My reaction is a sign that I care, not a sign that I’m bad. My willingness to reflect and try something new tells me that I am a brave cycle-breaker.”

“There’s something about my saying goodbye today that doesn’t feel good to you . . .” Just because you don’t understand your child’s experience doesn’t mean it isn’t real, and this phrase helps bridge that gap.

“I can tell something important is happening for you. I care about that. I’m here,” or “I can see how upset you are. I believe you. I really do,”

we can hold a firm boundary while still approaching a child with empathy and validation.

“I really know what I feel right now. Yes, this feeling is real, and yes, it’s allowed to be there, and yes, I am a good person while I am feeling this way.”

Perfectionism steals a child’s (and adult’s) ability to feel good in the process of learning because it dictates that goodness only comes from successful outcomes.

“I love you. I need to give my body space for some deep breaths. I’m stepping right outside your door and then I’ll be back.”