Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

by Becky Kennedy

as soon as we tell ourselves, “Okay, slow down . . . I’m good inside . . . my kid is good inside too . . . ,” we intervene differently than we would if we allowed our frustration and anger to dictate our decisions.

Finding the good inside can often come from asking ourselves one simple question: “What is my most generous interpretation of what just happened?”

Finding the MGI teaches parents to attend to what is going on inside of their child (big feelings, big worries, big urges, big sensations) rather than what is going on outside of their child (big words, or sometimes big actions).

At our core, we all want someone else to acknowledge our experience, our feelings, and our truths. When we feel seen by others, we can manage our disappointment, and we feel safe and good enough inside to consider someone else’s perspective.

“Two things are true” is a foundational parenting principle because it reminds us to see our child’s experience, or a coparent’s experience, as real and valid and worthy of naming and connecting to. And it also allows us to hold on to our own experience as real and valid and worthy of naming and connecting to. It reminds us that logic doesn’t overpower emotion: I may have a valid reason for doing something . . . and also someone else has a valid emotional reaction. Both are true.

There’s no trade-off between doing what feels right to you and acknowledging the very real experience of your child. Both can be true.

once we return to the idea that two things are true, we can switch from a me-versus-you mentality to a me-and-you-against-a-problem mentality. Ah . . . This is everything. Now we are on the same team, gazing at a problem, wondering what we can do about it.

When children feel seen and sense their parent is a teammate and not an adversary, and when they’re asked to collaborate in problem-solving . . . good things happen.

Bad behavior comes from dysregulated feelings that we cannot manage.

You recognize the feeling underneath as valid even if it comes out in a dysregulated way.