Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

by Becky Kennedy

Behaviorism privileges shaping behavior above understanding behavior. It sees behavior as the whole picture rather than an expression of underlying unmet needs. This is why, I realized, these “evidence-based” approaches felt so bad to me—they confused the signal (what was really going on for a child) with the noise (behavior). After all, our goal is not to shape behavior. Our goal is to raise humans.

Plenty of parenting advice relies on perpetuating this assumption of badness, focusing on controlling kids rather than trusting them, sending them to their rooms instead of embracing them, labeling them as manipulative rather than in need.

Yes

many parents see behavior as the measure of who our kids are, rather than using behavior as a clue to what our kids might need. What if we saw behavior as an expression of needs, not identity?

Behavior And identity

how we talk to ourselves when we are struggling inside—the self-talk of “Don’t be so sensitive” or “I’m overreacting” or “I’m so dumb,” or, alternatively, “I’m trying my best” or “I simply want to feel seen”—is based on how our parents spoke to or treated us in our times of struggle.

Self talk

children are more able to experience strong feelings than they are to regulate those feelings, and the gap between experiencing strong feelings and regulating those feelings comes out as dysregulated behavior (think hitting, kicking, screaming).

Children experience strong emotions but can’t regulate them

know it’s so hard, sweetie. You’re allowed to be upset. I love you,” and then left. Validation, empathy, boundary.

Validation empathy boundaries

a child learns that certain feelings are threatening to attachment. That child will then seek to shut down these experiences, likely through the mechanism of shame or self-blame, as his survival literally depends on it.

Feeling can threaten attachment

Neuroplasticity refers to the brain’s ability to relearn and transform itself when it recognizes the need for adaption. The brain can continue developing throughout life; our bodies are meant to protect us, so if our brain believes our old ways of being are no longer serving us, it will incorporate new patterns, new beliefs, new systems for processing and responding in the world. It’s true that it gets harder as we age—the older we are, the more consistent and dedicated we must be to experience change—but at the end of the day, old dogs can learn new tricks.

Neuroplasticity

“Ah! I need to make this feeling go away right now,” the distress grows and grows, not as a reaction to the original experience, but because we believe these negative emotions are wrong, bad, scary, or too much. Ultimately, this is how anxiety takes hold within a person. Anxiety is the intolerance of discomfort.

Intolerance of discomfort

Resilience, in many ways, is our ability to experience a wide range of emotions and still feel like ourselves.

Resilience