Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

by Becky Kennedy

Understood in that context, you can see why shame is actually a helpful emotion within a child’s (or adult’s) threat-detection system. Shame “freezes” a child in place as a protection mechanism, and that “freeze” might look like an inability to apologize, a reluctance to accept help, or an unwillingness to tell the truth. The problem, though, is that a numb, glazed-over child tends to infuriate a parent, because we think our child is ignoring us, or we misinterpret their behavior as rudeness or apathy. As a result, rather than recognize or address the shame, we yell or get into a power struggle with our kid or send him away to his room—all approaches that escalate the shame and continue the cycle. But once we see shame pop up and label it for what it is, we have the ability to intervene differently.