Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

by Becky Kennedy

Fast-forward a few decades. You’re married now and you’re stressed at your job; your boss is constantly berating you, you’re worried about being fired, you’re always on edge. There’s a part of you that . . . well, wants to cry, wants to open up to your partner, wants to share your awful experiences so you can get support. And yet, this lesson from childhood lurks beneath the surface, subconsciously dictating your actions: “Support? You think you’ll get support for having your vulnerability and anxiety surface? These are the things that threaten relationships, not strengthen them! Push these feelings away away away—for your own protection!” And so you don’t go to your partner. You don’t go to a friend. Instead, the feelings build up until they emerge as increased reactivity, frustration, and anger. Or maybe they lead you to withdraw and shut down. Perhaps you turn to alcohol to turn these feelings off and push them away. You may even have a partner who says, “I can tell something doesn’t feel good . . . talk to me, let me in!” But still your body sends the message: “Ha! I won’t fall for that! I know better! ‘Let me in’? These experiences will shut me out!”