Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

by Becky Kennedy

This approach is equally important in situations a child might not visibly react to. Imagine you and your partner are arguing in the kitchen while your child is eating lunch. Things escalate to the point of loud voices, nasty words, and visibly angry facial expressions. Naming what’s true might sound like, “Papa and I just used very loud voices. You were right to notice that.” Would I say this even if my child kept eating his lunch, looking as if he didn’t need an explanation? I absolutely would. I know that children are wired to notice and perceive, so I would assume that even if my child appeared calm, feelings of fear would be living inside his body and I wouldn’t want him to be alone with them. Keep in mind, the beginning of my “loud voices” explanation was quite simple—I mentioned the voices and I validated my child’s perceptions. This is really important. Telling the truth often involves delivering the simplest, most straightforward version of events. I often have to remind myself: “Only say what happened. Name what’s true, and nothing more complicated.” This allows me to give my child what he needs in the moment: my presence + a story to understand. From there, depending on the situation, I might do more. I might assure my child that he wasn’t at fault (especially powerful when kids notice your big emotions or an argument between adults) or brainstorm a mantra to speak to my child’s worry (this might be useful in the vacuum example: “That is loud, I am safe. That is...