job in a family system is to explore and learn, through experiencing and expressing their emotions and wants. Kids need to learn what they are capable of, what is safe, what their role in the family is, how much autonomy they have, and what happens when they try new things. They do this by exploring—testing out boundaries, experimenting with new skills, playing with others—but also by challenging their parents, asking for what they want, and, sometimes, “acting out.” When you look at the family system as a whole, you can see this elegant interplay of jobs: a child can express emotions, and a
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