Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

by Becky Kennedy

One reason why it’s so necessary to confirm our children’s perceptions is that when we don’t name what’s true, when we assume, “That wasn’t a big deal,” or “He’s so young, I’m sure he didn’t even notice,” our children learn to doubt their perceptions. They might think, “Huh, I guess there wasn’t anything that changed in my environment, I guess I was wrong,” and, over time, that message sticks. It’s as if we’re training our kids to tune out what’s happening around them, and that training will stick with them into adolescence and adulthood. Want your son to stand up to his friends and resist peer pressure? In order to say, “Hey, guys, this doesn’t feel right. I’m not doing this,” a child needs to believe in his perceptions of his environment and in his own feelings. Want your daughter to stand up for herself when she’s uncomfortable in a hookup or dating scenario? If, when she was a child, her parents validated her perceptions and wired her for self-trust, she’ll be more inclined to say, “No, I’m not comfortable with that,” or “Stop. I don’t like that.”