Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

by Becky Kennedy

One thing we know about feelings is that they are only scary if we are alone with them. If someone says to us, “Hey! You’re feeling [sad/scared/angry/left out]. That’s okay. I’m here. Tell me more,” the feelings immediately start to subside. We no longer feel so overwhelmed. We feel safer. When kids are upset, it’s as if they are plopped down on the bench of that feeling. It may be an Angry Bench or Disappointed Bench or even a Nobody-Likes-Me Bench. And what kids (and also adults) want when they’re on a bench, especially the dark uncomfortable ones, is someone to sit with them. Once someone sits with us, the bench doesn’t feel so dark and cold. Now we have a “bench warmer.” When your son tells you, “I wish I didn’t have a younger brother, he’s always messing up my stuff!,” imagine that he’s on the It’s-Hard-to-Share-My-Life Bench. Sit with him. You might also need to set a boundary, but you can still sit: “Ah, you’re thinking about how hard it is to share. I get that, honey. I won’t let you hit; you can still feel all that anger. I’m here with you.”