Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

by Becky Kennedy

Wow, what just happened? And how do you respond? Here are some options: 1) “The worst mom? I just bought you a new toy! You’re so ungrateful!” 2) “When you say that, it makes Mommy sad.” 3) Ignore. Walk away. 4) “Wow, those are big words, let me take a breath . . . I hear how upset you are. Tell me more.” I like option 4, because it’s the intervention that makes sense after considering the most generous interpretation of my child’s behavior. The first option interprets my son’s response as simply spoiled and ungrateful. The second teaches my son that his feelings are too powerful and scary to be managed, that they harm others and threaten attachment security with a caregiver. (We’ll get into more detail about attachment in chapter 4, but the short of it is this: focusing on a child’s impact on us sets the stage for codependence, not regulation or empathy.) The third option sends the message that I believe my son is unreasonable, and his concerns are unimportant to me. But my MGI of my child’s response is this: “Hmm. My son really wishes he was included in this special lunch. I can understand that. He’s sad. And jealous. Those feelings are so big in his small body that they explode out of him in the form of big hurtful words, but what’s underneath is a raw, painful set of feelings.” The intervention that comes next—the empathetic statements based on seeing my child as good inside—acknowledges