Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

by Becky Kennedy

Family systems (yes, family units are also systems) are no different, and every member of a family has a job. Parents have the job of establishing safety through boundaries, validation, and empathy. Children have the job of exploring and learning, through experiencing and expressing their emotions. And when it comes to jobs, we all have to stay in our lanes. Our kids should not dictate our boundaries and we should not dictate their feelings. In a family system, some roles are prioritized over others. Safety comes before happiness and before our kids’ being pleased with us. First and foremost, our job is to keep our children safe, physically and psychologically. There’s nothing as scary to a child as noticing when their parent fails at this job (especially when that failure stems from a parent’s fear of their kid’s reaction). The child receives the subconscious message: when you are out of control, there’s no one capable of stepping in and helping you.