“Oh, that’s right, Kap. I had been crushing on Dierdre for two years. Two fucking years. And she thought I was with you thanks to that stupid party. You ruined my chances. You got me vagected by the hottest lesbian at UCLA. Who’s the cockblocker now, hmm? Spoiler alert: it’s you. You’re a clam jammer, that’s what you are.” I bellow a laugh. “A clam jammer?” “Jesus fuck, Kaplan. You’re thirty-one, not eighty-one. Take off the tweed and get with the times. A taco blocko. A fanny fencer. A muff rebuffer. You are all those things. And hence, you owe me.” “Wasn’t it literally a week later that you
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