Off the Deep End

by Lucinda Berry

“You’re not equipped to go from nothing bad ever happening to you to the worst thing that could possibly occur happening to you. It’s like being hurled into the deep end of a pool when you don’t know how to swim. That’s what it feels like. And all of it is dark. As if every light in the universe has been turned off.” “That must be so difficult.” He clasps his hands in front of himself. Concern lines his forehead. “It’s not just that. There are people who are born to do hard things. They have a grit and determination on the inside of them. I’m not one of those people, Dr. Stephens.” I raise my head, locking eyes with his so he doesn’t miss my next point. “I’m a wimp. I have no fight in me. I give up when things are hard.

Other people’s problems are exhausting.

We all need to create meaning out of trauma. Saving me gave beauty and light to something so dark and tragic. If I died, then all that was left was darkness. He didn’t know how to live in the dark any more than I did. He’s one of those people with an easy life too.

We simply agreed on most things when it came to parenting

But all that changed the older the kids got and the more complex their issues and problems became.

If only I could find him, then I could save him. From himself. From what he’d done. From whatever he was planning to do next.