You're the Worst Person in the World: Why It's the Best News Ever that You Don't Have it Together, You Aren't Enough, and You Can't Fix It on Your Own

by Scarlet Hiltibidal

I didn’t know the people who were sifting into the rows around me, but I felt like they knew how disgusting I was.

I felt it immediately. In my body. In my brain. Every urge to do dysfunctional things with food was gone. I was free. And here’s the thing. My freedom didn’t come from my camping out in that church balcony feeling gross. Acknowledging worst-ness alone doesn’t bring freedom from anything. The “I’m the worst” realization is the starting point. The next step, the repentance, the turning toward the One Who is Good, is what unlocks the freedom.

In the New Testament, the word repentance comes from the Greek word metanoia, which means “to change your mind.” See, it’s not just about pointing out your offense. It’s about that very important next step of “changing your mind,” turning from your sin.

This is the Christian life. Constant dependence on a beautiful God who never seems to tire of pulling us out of our spiritual poverty.

every plan I make should be done in a spirit of humility and in recognition of God’s sovereignty.

Anything I can accomplish is because God put the breath in my lungs and the strength in my body this day to do it. So, what, then, would God have me do?

When we’re honest with ourselves, we remember that the only thing that separates us from the felon or the adulterer or the murderer or the sketchy boss is the work of Jesus.

“How happy is the one who does not walk in the advice of the wicked or stand in the pathway with sinners or sit in the company of mockers! Instead, his delight is in the Lord’s instruction and he meditates on it day and night. He is like a tree planted beside flowing streams that bears its fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers” (Ps. 1:1–3).

before I understood that a publisher saying no doesn’t change how God feels about me, and a publisher saying yes doesn’t change how God feels about me either.

Achieving my dream was as wonderful as riding a roller coaster. It happened. It was awesome. And then it was over.

“If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has passed away, and see, the new has come!” (2 Cor. 5:17)

Well, my most frequent spirals of anxiety are a loop of sad questions like: Am I doing life right? Is everything going to be okay? Are people mad at me? Is God mad at me? Am I just more messed up than everyone else? Am I worthy of love?

“So don’t worry, saying, ‘What will we eat?’ or ‘What will we drink?’ or ‘What will we wear?’ For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But, seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be provided for you.” (Matt. 6:31–33)

That’s what the human heart does. When it gets what it wants, it just goes after the next thing and the next thing and the next.

Experiencing the love of Christ can happen daily, because He is a person who is alive and near. But the only way we can experience that love is when we see the depth of the love we need.

But, if you are the worst, if you are the chief of sinners, and Jesus STILL loves you, well how could you ever get over that?

The problem is that we chase the wrong things and we try to find pleasure in the wrong places—places that either can’t satisfy at all or can’t satisfy us for long.

Christian Hedonism is the conviction that God’s ultimate goal in the world (his glory) and our deepest desire (to be happy) are one and the same, because God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in him. Not only is God the supreme source of satisfaction for the human soul, but God himself is glorified by our being satisfied in him. Therefore, our pursuit of joy in him is essential. Christian Hedonism claims that the Christian life should be the pursuit of maximum joy in God—joy both in quality and quantity. Fullness of joy and joy forevermore (Psalm 16:11) are found only in him.

But in a world full of grave plots, one grave is empty, and there is one Man whom the dust cannot claim because God would not allow the Holy One to see decay. Jesus is free from the curse, and He graciously offers that freedom to you. Cry out to Him in confession that you have tried to find meaning in something or someone other than Him, and then find your meaning in Him alone (Begg, “Word to the Wise”)! As Augustine declared, “Thou hast made us for Thyself, and our hearts are restless until they rest in Thee.”

I wanted to be good and I wanted to be loved and I thought that following rules and flirting primarily with church boys would lead to a good life. I was so convinced that I could be good and lovable and pretty and righteous on my own merits if I just tried hard enough.

Pursuing goodness in our own strength means pursuing heartbreak, failure, hopelessness, and even idolatry.

But if we pursue joy in the Lord, if we look at Him and remember the ways He is good to us—His power over death and ability to forgive us, and His promise to love us unfailingly—we can be people marked by His fruit.

It was a mess. I was a mess. And I thought Brandon was perfect. I tried so hard to look perfect and act perfect, that I became a deceitful liar, a slave to eating disorder addiction. And yet, I was a follower of Jesus. So, I felt guilty all the time. I knew I was a hypocrite. But I had convinced myself and told God that I would get my life together. SOON.

“share below the line of shame”

Anyone who gets married, marries a sinner.

“death and life are in the power of the tongue” (Prov. 18:21).

It’s not cute to let your tongue run wild. It’s not a funny anecdote of a story.

Does a spring pour out sweet and bitter water from the same opening? Can a fig tree produce olives, my brothers and sisters, or a grapevine produce figs?

I was striving for holiness without remembering that I was covered by God’s holiness, and I also didn’t really know what “holiness” in marriage should look like anyway.

We were learning to see one another as not just husband and wife, but as brother and sister in Christ.

I am the chief of sinners. I am. There’s not enough “do better” in the whole world for me. But there is a gospel for me. There is the good news that Jesus did better in my place.

I needed to forgive as I had been forgiven (Eph. 4:32). I needed to delight in the law of the Lord in order for Him to give me the desires of my heart (Ps. 37:4).

We both learned that God’s love for us isn’t based on performance—it’s a free gift.

The two of us used to think we needed God’s grace to juuuust make it into heaven, by the skin of our teeth. But now, we see that we need God’s grace yesterday, today, and tomorrow … and still now. We need it right now. But we also see that we have it. The gospel tells us that nothing we do will change our status as His forgiven, delighted-in kids.

“Come to me, all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest” (Matt. 11:28).

Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him… . (Ps. 37:7a esv)

It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of ANXIOUS TOIL; for he gives to his beloved sleep. (Ps. 127:2 esv, emphasis mine)

“I received mercy for this reason, so that in me, the worst of them, Christ Jesus might demonstrate his extraordinary patience as an example to those who would believe in him for eternal life” (1 Tim. 1:16).

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” (Rev. 21:4 niv)

Jesus is more satisfying than met goals and He is more powerful than our problems.

We want to come across as calm and collected and holy when life is hard. But that’s not reality. In reality, in God’s Word, in my life today, our feelings are sometimes awful.

We read about Abraham and Moses and Gideon and how they and the other faith-heroes were all accepted by our holy God because they simply trusted in who He is, not because of anything that they were.

Here’s the bad news: the only person worse than all those heroes of the faith is me. But here’s the good news: God made them righteous. God was kind to them. God made them heroes through His power in spite of what they were.

Being a mother is one of my greatest joys, but it really only works when I’m being grateful that the only Perfect One loves me and my daughters.

Jesus met me there. Jesus reminded me that I was, and so often still am, a little child with special needs who doesn’t know how to rest in the love of her adoptive Parent.

(Rom. 8:15 esv).

We will get it wrong time and time again, but when we remember that we once, like Joy, were lacking—that we once experienced deep hunger and thirst and need, unable to help ourselves—it’s then that we can cut the charade. It’s then that we can finally be free.

The Lord watches over the sojourners; he upholds the widow and the fatherless… . (Ps. 146:9 esv)

dying daily to myself. It’s recognizing my own weakness and depending fully on my Father, who gives the best gifts. Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. (James 1:17 niv)

Let Him take the burden off and let Him guide you.