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he’s slumped over on me, clutching my hair, breathing, “Josh” like he’s desperate to come. Yeah—sometimes he calls me Josh these days.
Low key forgot you name was Josh. He really never calls you that 😭
He hugs me hard, and smells me. “I love you.” I see his smile in the moonlight. “I love you too.” I kiss his cheek. “Pretty angel.”
Something bad is about to happen. The are TOO happy for us to only be half way through the book...
“Did you get a toy?” His eyes widen on that. He’s been trying to convince me to get something he can push into me. “Sort of.” I grin. “It’s…a toy for the shower.”
A douche?
My mom’s mouth has fallen open. Carl’s brows are drawn together, his lips parted like he can’t find words. Ezra’s wrapped around me, his face pushed between my throat and shoulder. We’re both in our underwear.
fuuuuuck. Shit has officially hit the fan....
I look from Mom to Ezra and back—as my pulse races and my body goes bloodless and cold. I can feel my hand tremble as I hold a finger up. I point to Ezra and then put a finger over my mouth. There’s no logic in it. I just need to disentangle from him so he doesn’t wake up to this.
No that actually makes complete sense because he cannot wake up to this.... He will do something drastic
Time slows. My mom’s face has gone from shocked to what I think is fury.
Fury is crazy
“Mom…um.” I swallow as my eyes well more and my throat tightens. “I don’t want y’all to freak out about this,” I say, one tear already falling. “But…I’m gay.” I feel my back hit the door, realize I’ve been moving backward. More tears fall down my cheeks as Mom’s mouth presses flat and Carl’s eyes fly to her face. “Don’t be loud, please.” My voice quavers. “Ezra will wake up, and it’ll scare him.” Thinking of Ezra finding out they know makes my chest ache, which makes me want to cry more.
Pain
I feel like I’m going to pass out.
Honestly i probably would've
"It says that he's going back to his mom's.” The words are so slow, monotone, and I don’t understand them. “He says...he wants to move back." Carl's brow furrows as he looks at me. "Josh, did something happen?"
Now is when you tell them what a crazy bitch his mom is and that he cant do that
I love you. I don’t even like being in love. It scares me. But I love you. So much I could never say no to it.
Love me- okay? Can you please still love me? Even if it’s been a while? I’ll always love you too.
Sob
I type my dad’s name into the search bar and then quickly shut the window. No distractions.
NO PLEASE pull that thread
He sucks me like a lollipop and pulls me out of his mouth. "I'm gonna make you come, freckles. When I get going, you won't have a choice, so this is your time to tell me if you're underage or I should use a condom."
Maybe you should have asked that before you put his dick in your mouth?
"How old are you?" I ask him. "Twenty-five. Old man."
The fact that he's only a year older than me and you said he gave you DADDY vibes makes me upset. But that is 7 years older than you so i guess...
This year, the infamous Auburn-Alabama game is happening down in Auburn, so I'll play on his home field. Assuming I get field time. But I already know I will.
PLEASE let yall see each other
I might know this guy—Josh Miller. Maybe that's the reason that I cry the night he posts a snap of him getting kissed by some guy I don't know at 12:14 a.m.
Pain
I know he’s my stepbrother. I know we weren't in love or anything.
How do you KNOW that exactly?
I take the whole bottle of Xanax. It takes a while for it to feel wrong. But by then, I'm just too sleepy. I don't even think I care.
Fuck
Also, you know…all moms don’t have instincts. Unfortunately.” That hits me right in the chest. I feel sick remembering my dream and thinking of my mother
Yeah your moms a fucking bitch
“I was wondering,” I manage to say clearly, “about conversion therapy.”
Heart breaking
“I’m unequivocally against it, of course. Not only is it damaging—it’s abuse—but it’s ineffective, and most importantly, it goes against what I see as the will of God. Who makes no mistakes. There’s an anti-conversion therapy nonprofit called Born Perfect, and that’s what I would say about it. Every one of us is born perfect. Innocent like little Eden, my daughter. If something like that happened to you, it’s not your fault. It wasn’t right, it wasn’t needed, and it definitely wasn’t Christian.”
PERIOD
I was locked inside there for thirty-four days."
DAYS!? What do you mean???
he brings up Zane—this wrestler in my frat who told Daniel that he wants to roofie me.
Is that not supossed to be terifying?
My eyes are aching when I open them, already stinging with the threat of tears as I look at my phone's screen. I have 117 notifications. And Josh Miller is my background photo. "Oh my God!”
Yeah.
What if he gets mad that I'm here?
He will. But you're going to have to push through
"I don’t know you, but…I feel like I can't live without you,”
“This part’s bad.” My voice sounds raspy and weak, even though I try to keep it neutral. “What you should remember is that it’s over now.”
Fear
I glance up at Josh, I see tears on his cheeks for the first time. For a minute, I can’t go on. It’s not sad. I want to tell him it’s really not even that sad. It’s only awful in the way the world is. We all know how awful it is. People get raped every day, and it’s no big deal. No one ever pays the price except you. And you go on, because you have to go on. That’s the world that we have.
Pain
His mom is fucking evil, and I let her have him!
I’m not the same Josh. I feel like if you remembered me—” Just say it, Josh. Damn. “I feel like if you did remember me, you would be really disappointed now.”
Aw nooo
“I started drinking when you left, and taking pills. I got high and drunk and ran my car into a tree. It fucked my mom up. Made her so sad. I gave up a soccer scholarship to Montevallo because their team did twice a month drug tests.
Oh fuck
"Well, we did that," he tells me, his blue eyes wide. "You did that, Mills. I just laid here and got fucked."
Lmao
Do I deserve to be a whole person? I do. I know I do. Do I feel like I do? Not every day. But I know it with my brain.
Carl gives Ez and me matching rainbow underwear on Christmas morning. "Is that still cool?” he asks. “Rainbow stuff?" Ezra and I look at each other. "We don't know," I tell Carl. "We're baby gays. And we live in Alabama."
Real
"I like this boy. He's got freckles. You gonna like a boy, you gotta like a white boy with blue eyes and freckles.
Weird bar but okay
I've been trying to explain to both Greeley and Josh how my mom isn't a monster.
Agree to disagree
My own mom just...doesn't fucking want me the way I am. Doesn't see the value in me. As a gay man. Even though, apparently, my mom is fucking bi or gay herself.
Damn
“You are…? I don’t think I got your name.” “Josh Miller,” I tell her. I’m surprised when Ezra’s eyes open. “My husband,” he says,
He ain't even ask you to be his boyfriend yet. Now he talking about husband lmao
Vance is looking around the room with a thoughtful expression, and it hits me that they must know all the tips and tricks. They spent some time in the hospital a while back, in an incident that got a ton of media attention.
Ive been thinking this for a while but are Luke and Vance from another book? Its giving they are from another book
Luke and Vance’s private plane,
A PASTOR has a private plane? How rich are they???
I know from what my mom said before I moved to Fairplay that Paul’s stroke hit him hard. Afterward, he couldn’t walk or talk like normal, and he wasn’t working at Alton last I heard.
Karma?
I told Greeley that it’s hard for me not to feel awful that he got messed up like that for life. And Greeley asked, “What about what he did to you?”
Period
I check my phone, finding that there’s been some speculation about the identity of the person who ran out on the field to be with me, and that the Fairplay newspaper is reporting him as my stepbrother. Hmm, okay, so I’m not outed. But when I come out, I’ll have to out myself as being in love with my stepbrother.
Small yikes
Luke gives me a winky smile. “I’ll keep you as updated as you want. We’ll talk more. V and I will be in Tuscaloosa for a little while. And Eden.” “What are you doing there?” I ask, tracing a seam of the blanket with my fingertip. Luke grins. “We thought we’d get a condo down there. Maybe get some season tickets. There’s this guy who plays there, Ezra Masters…” He shrugs. “Heard he’s something to see.”
I LOVE FOUND FAMILY SO FUCKING MUCH IM GONNA SOBBBBB!
“Hi,” he says—and I make a note to rag on him for saying “hi” to our New York Times reporter. “I’m Josh Miller.” “The boyfriend,” I tack on. Dirk’s blond brows furrow, and he looks from Josh to me. “I have you down as the stepbrother.” Miller’s face is priceless. He arches a brow and gives Dirk a wicked little grin without missing a beat. He says, “I’m that, too.” Dirk’s hand goes to his cheek, and he mimes a swoon. “This story is getting interesting.
LMAO
Inside the note, there was a picture of her and her girlfriend, both flipping the camera off, with real short fingernails. Ha.
That detail is sending me 😭
We went into the closet. It was pretty fucking awful. We laid down on the floor together, since that was always what he wanted most. For someone to come and hold him. So I did. I think as long as I live, I won’t ever feel as useful as I did at that moment. Like I was born so I could hold him in that awful place and make it all a little better. And I did.
My HEART!
