Wrath (Sinful Secrets, #4)

by Ella James

“What you should remember is that it’s over now.” I look him in the eye again for half a second, to be sure my point is made. “It ...

“We all had our own rooms. And what they mostly did was try to turn my dick straight.” I shut my eyes, cupping my hand over them. “There was a lot of straight porn. They had female nurses for the guys, and they would come and jerk us off and just to help things, we’d get drugs, like ‘party drugs’ to make us come and make us like it. So we maybe felt more straight?” My eyes flicker up to his, and I jerk them back down. “I don’t know. Fortunately—unfortunately?—it didn’t work for me. When they showed gay porn, if you got hard, in your IV you would get what I called barf juice. So your stomach would hurt, and you’d feel pretty sick, and then you wouldn’t get a boner.”

“It was all fucked up and twisted,”

“They thought if they had those nurses jerk us off enough, we’d all go straight. I don’t know if it worked for the other guys, but I think no, because eventually there were a lot of us down on the first floor. Meaning” —I glance up, not really seeing him— “in the later part of the day, we would be taken down there for more…treatment. And it was never only just me being taken down there.”

“Sometimes they would get you pretty high on stuff, and when they took you back to your room from the ‘clinic’ they would run IVs and stuff to cool you down or give you fluids. So, the rooms themselves were like a hospital room, almost.”

“Remember, I’m out now,” I say, at the same time he croaks, “You were scared of hospitals.”

“So…” Deep breath. “That went on for a while. For me, I think like a month? And they’d just…jerk you off. A bunch of women nurses. And the stuff they gave us—I think it was a mix of different stuff—it really did give you a boner. Sometimes it would hit hard, and I’d come from someone jerking me. Or using their mouth.”

“Yeah, I know. It’s rape, but these people didn’t see it that way. They got paid well, so I think the place attracted sadists who could do whatever they wanted, off the grid. All the program wanted was to deliver a straight kid to its parents. They really thought they could re-program us. That was the point of the first part, in the cabins. They made sure one of the two partners was bi, if possible. And then they’d try to bond us with survival stuff. Remove your partner from you in the clinic phase, and you’d get lonely, scared and all. And then before you left, they’d tell you that the two of you would—” I look back up, waving my hand. “You know.”

“Fuck.” I say it loud and crisp. “If you could fuck, then you were cured. Cause everybody knows to be a functional adult, you need to keep your dick hard for sex with someone you don’t actually want, right?” I frown at his shocked face, feeling numb and frozen. “I’m being too glib?” “No.” It’s a soft whisper. “Have you heard enough, Josh? It’s a good time for a break. You wanna pour a drink?” I ask him. “No,” he murmurs.

“No one wants to hear this shit. Even I wouldn’t. So it’s okay if you want me to stop. I could explain my memory problems in ...

“Keep going.” His face is soft and gentle. Even his voice is so soft, as if he’s speaking to a wounded animal. “Can I touch you?” ...

“Not to.” I close my eyes, and he s...

“I’m telling you,” I say, holding my head. “The next ...

“I’m here for it,” he says softly. “If you want to tell me, keep goi...

“One night, I saw Riley in the stairwell. She was coming up from clinic. I was going down. Cause I’d gotten hard for dicks that day. And they were doing more stuff to be sure I wouldn’t keep that up. They had this shock stick, and—”

“She looked fucked up,”

could see her nipples under her shirt. Her cheeks were pink, and when she saw me, she hugged me and like…rubbed my abs. And then her nurse took her away.” I bite down on my lip. Look down at my legs. “Paul came into my room to talk to me. Because my dick kept getting hard for dicks on their porn. I mean, why would they even have gay porn, right? When they used their little shock stick—like a billy club with an electric charge—I could still stay hard. They didn’t like that.” I roll my eyes, and when I glance up at Josh, I see tears on his cheeks for the first time.

“I got into it with Paul that night,”

“over Riley. He was so mad, he locked me in my room for three days. And the windows there were plastic.” I wave my hand. “As one does when one keeps captives.”

“I’m okay, Miller. Look at me.” I look up at him and wave at myself. “I just won a football game.”

know,” he whispers. He presses his lips flat as one tears drip down his cheeks. He rubs a hand into his hair. “I’m sorry.” “No, I’m sorry. Don’t be sorry. It’s probably sad if it’s a new story to you. You should be happy you can feel sad.”

“I was locked up in my room for three days. The next time he—Paul—came in, I was really hungry. I was hangry, and he said I’d have to tell him I was sorry for what I said—the shit I said about them drugging Riley. That the program was fucked and twisted, and abusing minors. And Miller…” My voice is a whispered rasp as I lift my eyes to his. “I couldn’t.” Tears are blurring my eyes again as I tell him, “I don’t even know why. Stubbornness? Paul went on this tirade about how my main sin was wrath—the one that really had me gripped.

“He said homophobic shit, and he said shit about Riley. Shit that made me think that maybe he’d been messing with her. So I went at him. A stupid move. Paul called for backup, and someone shot me up with something. And I woke up in the closet.” Deep breath. “The supply one in my room, where they kept all the medical supplies,” I whisper. “The thing didn’t have a doorknob on the inside. It was small, like smaller than a handicapped stall in a bathroom. There were machines in there. Like a cart, this IV machine thing. Needles. Bandages. There was some saline in there, bags of saline. And a sheet. And I would lie on the sheet.”

God, the way my heart is racing. Kind of amazing, PTSD. “Paul was fucked up. Smart, though. He made me wait four days for food, two days for water, and he had it brought by someone else. Security, I guess they were. They would shock me first…but with a Taser.” I can feel my body shaking, so I try to breathe deep. “And then they’d leave the food or water,” I add thinly. “Paul waited a while to come in. When he did, he would have the shock stick they used. It was milder than a Taser. But he’d press it to your skin, and that would burn.” I shut my eyes and try not to get really crying. “Angel—“ “I asked for a light. And so he put a red light in there. Red like hell. He told me if I wrote ‘I have no more wrath’ over and over, until it filled the walls, then I could get out.” I shake my head. “But I didn’t even try. I laid down, and I tried to make myself not care what happened to me. The less they brought food and water, it was easier for me to zone out. One day—” I swallow hard, because this is hard to say. “One day, I realized I couldn’t stand up. Like my legs just…didn’t work. They were too weak and shaky.”

“You would have thought I’d have done more…or different stuff. But I thought I would die in there. It had been weeks, I think…by that point. So I stopped eating food,” I say in a flat

guess it was like a hunger strike. I was so weak, I couldn’t really drink, so Paul sent nurses in to start an IV. They set up a whole thing in there. This whole…torture chamber with me. And I couldn’t move by then. My eyes were blurry and I didn’t understand time. I hated the dark. And I hated the red light. I prayed so hard my mom would come…or someone. But they didn’t.” I breathe deeply, hating that I’m crying.

“I would have come,” Josh says.

“Like…shocked me. If I couldn’t eat enough or in the early days, I was too weak to hold the fork.” Josh shifts, and now he’s holding me. I’m shaking. “He got off on that shit, and I knew it. So when he shocked me, I would act like it didn’t hurt. I called him names, too. I knew what would push his buttons.” I laugh, the sound soft and choked. “He was gay, Miller, I’m pretty sure.”

since I wrote a love letter to you, and the letter said I’d link back up with you as soon as I did ECT again, I’m guessing we met and…things happened. According to what Mom said, Carl told her I was gay. The only way I know this is through a letter I wrote you and didn’t mail, but I think Carl was just telling her, thinking she didn’t know. And Mom lost her shit. She called me and threatened me. She said I better do something about it, go inpatient again, or she’d tell the cops I hurt Paul. And that I went crazy. Something she always believed, I think.” I blow a breath out, drag another one in. I rub my forehead. “Guess it’s easier

think that than to think that I was catatonic at her house because they really hurt me.” Josh rubs my shoulder. “So that’s what happened,”

“Last Thanksgiving, Mom said I had to come home, and go back to Sheppard Pratt. Do more ECT, and get back on my meds. And I thought if I told you…” I shake my head, wishing I remembered any of this. “From the letter, it looks like I thought that if I told you that, you’d take it hard. So I just ghosted, with a plan to get in touch in a few weeks. I did a few sessions okay. And every time, I wrote your name on my arm. ‘Mill...