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"You gonna keep on walking or just eye fuck me?"
Looking at him makes my mouth dry.
Gaaayyyyy
“Then it’ll be over? I mean, at some point everything will be over. What matters is how much it hurts first.”
I can fucking feel how good it would be. Numb and sleepy. Heavy. Dead.
Uhm??? Hello???
Like it used to be—before.
So trauma?
"I want to fuck you up. I want to see you twist around and hear you grunt like an animal. I want to make you come so I can rub my finger in it, and I’ll push my finger into you. And see how you like that."
Uhm idk man that sounds pretty gay to me but what do I know 🤷🏽♀️
"This was gay as fuck. I hope you’re happy. Go wash all this jizz off you."
I’m glad we agree on that
He’s choking on the water, and his body’s jerking rhythmically.
Is he having a seizure???
Focus, Ezra. Fucking focus. It’s not Alton.
“Crazy ’bout that pipe.”
I hate this line
that I was gaying it up down here.”
So he went to a conversion camp :(
Hawaiian, which apparently we both like—and
Hurray!
“My mom sent me somewhere. Last year,” he says softly. “She thought I was gay. She didn’t want that. So, she sent me to…this boarding school.” He blows a breath out. “It…wasn’t a good experience.”
That’s it! I gotta talk to his mom, preferably behind the Wendy’s at 3 am 🧍🏽♀️
I want to be in there. But you can still change your mind.”
Consenting king!
My eyes sting now, in the privacy of darkness. I have a fucking dad who's not a fucking bigot.
Awe
"Be safe, respect each other. If you break up, nobody has to move out, so don't ask us for that. Be mature and figure out how to share the bathroom. I think if you break up, no post-breakup boyfriends at the house..."
Aweeeeeee
Then tears start to streak down my cheeks, and it hits me, the real gut-punch: I could have come here. I went through all that shit when I could have simply moved in with Dad. I didn't know. I think about this comfy bed below me. I think about where I was. It seems wrong—so fucking wrong—that my dad doesn't even care I’m gay. My whole life could have been different.
This shit is so sad
I don't turn the phone back on till Mills is sleeping. Then I slip onto the roof.
Why cant the gays ever be happy!?
‘Hi Dad. Sorry to leave without saying bye. I’ve been thinking on it and I think it’s good to finish out the year up there with Mom. For closure. Thanks for letting me stay with you. I enjoyed the time a lot. Talk soon- Love Ezra’
????
Yo! What the flying fuck!? Electro shock therapy?????
I had three sessions of ECT so far. It’s been fine. Just like last time I was here, at the end of last winter. These people think electrocuting my frontal lobe is the holy grail for ‘treatment resistant bipolar depression’. Which- Mills- I don’t have. That’s the headline. I don’t have psychosis either. I don’t think so, anyway.
I wanna kill his mom
One day I’ll tell you about all that shit. One day in the future- maybe one night I can get you drunk, or feed you Xanax. So it won’t upset you.
Okay friend lets not do that okay?
I frown up at her, feeling...fuzzy. I think something went wrong. The nurse said that…right?
Oh my fucking gods!!!!!! Nooooo!!!
MILLER. All caps. Permanent marker. I tip the Icee down and have a small sip of it. Then I start to cry.
☹️
Mom told me Carl was a dickwad and when he found out I’m gay, he called her up and told her that I had to go. Convenient that he called Mom up after I led his town’s team to an undefeated season. He told her they don’t roll that way in Alabama—no surprise. Seems like it was pretty shitty, so I guess it’s good I don’t remember.
What the flying fuck????
Right now, I’m reading The Color Purple. I have something to report about that: Either I’ve read it before- or I’m a fucking psychic.
I might have had a crush on this guy.
This is going to be my thirteenth reason I swear!
Maybe that’s why I keep watching my stepbrother’s Snaps and his Insta stories all day and night like I’m addicted to him.
😔
“Sit down right there, Padawan,” Vance says, pointing to a glass-topped, round table in the kitchen area.
Lol i love him
“No, Ez.” He scoots a little closer to me, looking like he wants to touch me, but he doesn’t. “I don’t need a drink to listen to you.”
Oh good! Your liver needs a fucking break!
Because he’s normal. This stuff would be a shock.
Babe he’s literally an alcoholic and lowkey a drug addict
“I love you,” I say. “I’ve got you. You’re mine, and I’ve been waiting for you, so I can wrap you up and never let a damn thing ever hurt you again. Not without going through me first. I know you’re bigger, but I need to take care of you,” I whisper.
Now I want to murder that guy Paul,
Well he’s dead already so….
“I’m sad this happened to us. And I’m sad it’s all because we’re gay.” His voice is a soft, bitter rasp. “Why does no one fucking value us?”
That’s what I’m saying!!!!
I feel like I'm forgetting something as I look up at him,
lol the butt plug
If I lost my memory, I hope this would make it through.
🥹
I’ll go to fucking jail for what I did to Paul before I’ll up and leave Mills again.
You might have choked him but he dropped dead all on his own
On some ride that horse shit." Ross taps my phone. "This guy's the horse. Or you’re the horse?" He frowns at me. "You know what, I don't need that detail."
lol whut? 😅😅
So part of what she did to me, was…about her."
That part
“Josh Miller,” I tell her. I’m surprised when Ezra’s eyes open. “My husband,” he says, the words only slightly slurred.
At one point, he smirks and slurs, “Are you my husband?” That makes me laugh. “Yeah, angel. I’m whatever you want.”
“It’s okay to be glib. We’re stepbrother fuckers. We’re okay with glib.”
And maybe ending with some white gold or some platinum.
Awwwww
