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Carlos, unsettled in my adopted home (while living and breathing through the bulky apparatus of a second language),
You may think: What’s happened? Good God, are they kidding? But it is a rule of life, alas, that nobody is kidding.
college, in the eighties, Arthur Less tried his hardest to be a good gay. He joined a gym that turned out to be a sex dungeon. He joined a political party that turned out to believe a conspiracy theory about government health clinics. He joined a German-language society that turned out to be a sex dungeon. He joined a book group that turned out to be only for a political party. He joined a role-playing game club that turned out to be a sex dungeon. He joined a sex dungeon that turned out to be a government health clinic. It was all so confusing. But what
“Arise and shine, for thy light has come,”
“Everybody has one; you just have to discover it. Mine is about embracing the affirmative. It goes like this: Know no no.” “No, no, no,” Less parrots. “You’re mishearing me,” she says, smiling. “Now, listen: Know no no.” “No, no, no.” Arathusa’s smile sharpens. “No, no, no!” she says, then starts again: “Know. No. No.” “No,” Less begins slowly. “No. No.” A sigh. “No.”
The sigh in the wind goes on and on, for as long as someone singing the Beatles’ “Hey Jude,” which is to say: Forever.
without meaning anything in the world except
HE WAS NOT THE BEST BUT HE WAS THE BEST I EVER HAD
What could be more normal than to be out of place everywhere you go? What could be more American?
delight. Realizing we are no longer in love is not the heartbreaking sensation we imagine when we are in love—because it is no sensation at all. It is a realization made by a bystander.
overnight,” Lawrence says. Wanda is
“‘Fuck that. You don’t get that, Rebecca. This isn’t redecorating, this is house-on-fire shit. This is grabbing what to save. This is leaving shit behind. This is once-in-a-lifetime suffering and pain and heartache and yet it may be your only chance to decide what you really want. None of this I don’t want to change bullshit. Hell no—you’ve changed. That’s happened. Now what? Everything changes and this one fucking time, you’re in charge of it, my God, so choose! Make the wrong choice, that’s fine! That’s fine! But choose.’”
Perhaps. But also—to understand myself. What if you had to wake up every day with someone promising a miracle, and every day you believed it, and every day it didn’t happen? Don’t we all look at our beloveds sometimes and think, Why do I stay? Why do we stay? There is something vital in staying.
He is not the best. But he is the best I ever had. Because to love someone ridiculous is to understand something deep and true about the world. That up close it makes no sense. Those of you who choose sensible people may feel secure, but I think you water your wine; the wonder of life is in its small absurdities, so easily overlooked. And if you have not shared somebody’s tilted view of the horizon (which is the actual world), tell me: what have you really seen?
