June First

by Jennifer Hartmann

“I’ll be like Mario, and you can be Luigi if you want. She’ll be Princess Peach, and we’ll protect her from all the bad guys in the world.”

“See you later, Luigi!” I grin at the name. Luigi. It means I’m a fighter. A protector. A hero. And it’s a lot better than “fartknocker.” “Bye, Mario,” I yell back.

They rip me away from my mom, and I kick and scream and cry harder, my arms extended, reaching, pleading, as they pull me out the front door. Away from her. Away from Dad. Away from Bubbles.

She must be fragile, just like a snowflake when it lands on your skin. I’m too scared I’ll break her, so I just stare at her for a few seconds before a question pops into my mind. “Did you name her Butterfly?” A burst of laughter greets me. Theo’s mother shakes her head as her fingers glide down my arm—a gentle touch, like Mom used to do. “Her name is June.”

“I dunno. They said we don’t name new babies after bugs, but then they named her after a month.

“Yeah, I really like her. I love her, even.” “More than your video games?” “Probably the same amount.”

“If you ever hurt Brant again, I swear on my sister’s life I’ll break your kneecaps, then hide your wheelchair, so you have to crawl around like a little baby, and we can all laugh at you.” He got sus-tended from school, which meant he got to stay home for a few days. So cool.

“I’ll sing it to you from now on. I’ll sing it every night, until you grow too old for lullabies.”

and I swear his platypus slippers are smiling, too.

“Because you’ve always been rotten to me. I don’t like you very much.”

I love Brant’s dimples. I pretend they were made just for me.

but Brant’s words are what slices through the fog. “Cover your ears.” He almost chokes on those words.

I’m frozen to the checkered blankets, not sure what to do, when Brant quickly jerks forward and plants both of his hands over my ears. There’s a deep frown between his eyes, wrinkling his forehead. His skin glistens with sweat. His chest moves up and down with giant breaths. My own hands lift, covering his, and then I close my eyes. I can’t hear anything. I feel safe.

I open my mouth to speak, to thank the Baileys for such a kind gift, but nothing comes out. My words are stuck in my throat like caramel. So, I just trail my eyes around the room again. I suck in a breath. And then… I cry.

“You must be her boyfriend. I apologize for the misunderstanding.” “Also her brother.” Her eyes pop. “Wow. Great, that’s… great.”

If my father hadn’t murdered my mother, I would still just be the neighbor boy, and she would be the girl next door. Instead, he branded us with a label; forced me into something twisted. He turned the only girl I’ve ever wanted into the only girl I can never have.

I’m hopelessly, irrevocably in love with you, June Bailey. The desperate, aching kind of love. The kind there’s no coming back from. The kind there’s no way out of. The kind that’s going to be the death of me one day.

Mom is steely and strong, while Dad turns to mush at the slightest sentiment.

Then he kisses me. Truly kisses me.

“Why did you do that…” It’s not even a question. He says it like a breathy growl of defeat, as if he just lost something he’d been fighting desperately for.

“Life’s too short to hate the people we love the most.” I sniff. “I’m not the one who needs to fix anything.” “Then allow him to fix it.”

I’ve lost my best friend—the Mario to my Luigi. I’ve lost one of the only people in my life who’s been by my side from the beginning, who accepted me, who offered me friendship in my loneliest hours and laughter in my saddest. Who knew my deepest, darkest secrets and loved me anyway. Who used his last moments on Earth to forgive me for breaking a childhood promise. Who told me it was okay. But it’s not okay… he’s gone. Theo is gone.

It hits me. My heart drops out of me, straight to the floor, and so do I. I buckle. I collapse before they reach me. I collapse into a pile of horror, screaming with disbelief. I’m screaming.

“I’m unsure which pain is worse—the shock of what happened, or the ache for what never will.” —Unknown

“I can’t. I had a horrible nightmare.” She moves closer. “You died. I lost you. God, I can’t lose you…” June buries her face against my bare chest, her body tremoring with quiet sobs. “Let me feel you. Please… let me know you’re alive.”

“I probably shouldn’t be saying this, but the thought of another man putting his hands on you makes me borderline murderous.”

I’m about to tell her to put some clothes on and collect her things when her hand slowly travels down my chest, over my abdomen, then grazes the swollen bulge between my legs. “I bet this isn’t fair either,” she whispers, her voice full of smoke. “I bet it would wreck me.” Holy shit.

“I’ll never take Brant for grant-ed,” he winks, sweeping past me. Wow. I’m pretty sure the joke itself has secondhand embarrassment.

“I’ve always belonged to you. Always. I was still a virgin because I was waiting for a man who had the ability to even come close to the way you make me feel. Someone who could chase away my fears with a forehead kiss. Who could sing away my nightmares with a lullaby. Who was both my comfort and my courage, who held my heart in steadfast hands, and who looked at me like I was the most precious thing in this world.”

“You can’t fix it.” I choke on a strangled cry, gripping my purse strap. I have to. Spinning around, he says to me as I retreat, “We were broken before we even began.”

“There’s no right way, Peach, and there’s no wrong way. There’s only the way you choose and what you decide to make of that choice.”

“Don’t. You don’t have to pretend to still love me, just because a piece of paper says you should.”

“Never underestimate a man willing to wait forever for the woman he loves.”

“I think he’ll get there… and we’re all going to feel pretty damn remarkable one day.