Look Me in the Eye: My Life with Asperger's

by John Elder Robison

Some Aspergians have truly extraordinary natural insight into complex problems.

Asperger’s is not a disease. It’s a way of being. There is no cure, nor is there a need for one. There

is, however, a need for knowledge and adaptation on the part of Aspergian kids and their families and friends.

People with Asperger’s or autism often lack the feelings of empathy that naturally guide most people in their interactions with others.

The worst of it was, my teachers and most other people saw my

behavior as bad when I was actually trying to be kind.

Successful conversations require a give and take between both people. Being Aspergian, I missed that. Totally.

If I tried to pet a grown-up with a stick, he’d take it away. He wouldn’t humiliate me by yelling and running to the teacher. Grown-ups explained things to me, so I learned from them. Kids weren’t so good at that.

They never tricked me, and they never hurt my feelings. I was in charge of the machines. I liked that. I felt safe around them. I also

I was starting to figure out that I was different. But I had a positive outlook. I would make the best of my lot in life as a defective child.

I was so used to living inside my own world that I answered with whatever I had been thinking.

I have since learned that kids with Asperger’s don’t pick up on common social cues. They don’t recognize a lot of body language or facial expressions. I know I didn’t. I only recognized pretty extreme reactions, and by the time things

were extreme, it was usually too late.

Caring—or pretending to care—about other people is a learned behavior.

With

handicap will afford me the same respect accorded to a guy in a wheelchair. And if the respect comes with a preferred parking space, I won’t turn it down.

interesting

I can’t speak for other kids, but I’d like to be very clear about my own feelings: I did not ever want to be alone.

yes

“It’s not a disease,” he explained. “It doesn’t need curing. It’s just how you are.”

For most of my life, my history as an abused child with what I saw as a personality defect was shameful and embarrassing. Being a failure and a high school dropout was humiliating, no matter how well I subsequently did. I lied about my age, my education, and my upbringing

h

for years because the truth was just too horrible to reveal. His book, and people’s remarkable acceptance of us as we are, changed all that. I was finally free.

I may look and act pretty strange at times, but deep down I just want to be loved and understood for who and what I am. I want to be accepted as part of society, not an outcast or outsider. I don’t want to be a genius or a freak or something on display. I wish for empathy and compassion from those around me, and I