Gus (Bright Side, #2)

by Kim Holden

Bright Side wasn't only my best friend; she was like my other half…the other half of my brain, the other half of my conscience, the other half of my sense of humor, the other half of my creativity, the other half of my heart. How do you go back to doing what you did before, when half of you is gone forever?

It's like I can't get enough of just sitting around thinking about her: her ever-present deep but feminine laughter; the faint dusting of freckles on her nose and cheeks and between her shoulder blades; how she loved to watch the sunset; the sound of her voice when she said I love you; how beautifully she played her violin. I know I'm obsessing in an entirely unhealthy way, but I have this fear that if I don't keep turning her over in my head, I'll forget. And forgetting scares the hell out of me.

"Nobody's perfect. Believe me, I know that. But you sell yourself so fucking short. You're smart as hell. Ma loves working with you. And that's saying a lot because Ma needs someone who can keep up with her intellectually. The fact that you could step into Mikayla's shoes and not miss a beat is nothing short of fucking miraculous. And you pay attention to everything going on around you. Even if you're not engaged in what's going on, you're still paying attention. It's not nosy or intrusive, you're just hyper-aware, that alone shows you care.

No pressure, but you'd better step up and do epic."

Outside on the sidewalk, I stop in my tracks. The sun is setting. It's like fire in the sky. Bright. Brilliant. Orange.

"That's my girl."

And when his big arms wrap around me, I realize in this moment that I've never really been hugged. This is a hug. This is what human contact is supposed to feel like. It's supposed to feel…human. Distilled until it's nothing but one human being transferring support to another human being in the form of touch that's unselfish and pure in intention.

Some people wear their scars on the outside. Others wear them on the inside. Same difference. Your character, your heart, your essence, that's what's important, because that's the real you. All the rest, our looks, the material stuff? It's just meaningless bullshit.

"That's the secret. You find what you love and you go for it.

Life ain't about coasting. It's about pushin' the damn gas pedal all the way to the floor. Same goes for fun and love, no coasting. Pedal to the floor."

You only get one chance at this circus called life. Don't sit in the crowd watchin' it happen. You jump right in and be the ringleader. That's where you find your fire."

Here's the thing about life, boy. We meet a lot of people along this journey. Some of them are sonsabitches and some are special. When you find the special ones you don't take a moment for granted, because you never know when your time with them is gonna be up.

There's something epic that happens every day if you look hard enough for it. And every day is a chance to go out there and do epic. The key is putting forth the effort.

I guess sometimes all you need is a little inspiration. And sometimes inspiration is a smile from the right person at the right time.

I always feel her in my heart these days, because that's where she lives. I walk around with her inside me every day. And it doesn't hurt anymore.

My family doesn't have to define me. I have a mom. I have a dad. I have an aunt and uncle. I've accepted them for who they are, and I don't resent their flaws. We all have flaws. I've just never been able to accept who we are together, as a family.

I guess the biggest epiphany of all is that, sitting here, I realize how much I love my family, all of them. And even if they don't love me back the same way, or to the same degree, maybe that's not what's important. Maybe it's about my heart. Maybe it's about me feeling fulfilled and accepting that love is never perfect, and that, if it allows you to feel at peace, it's okay if it is a little one-sided. Maybe it's about opening up your definition of family to include friends, too. Because friends are the family you choose.

The maestro is all energy when he plays, vigor more than emotion. It's like winding up a top and letting it go. Him playing her instrument is a fitting, beautiful way to seal the day. It's like the coda in the song of her life. I finally feel like that part of Bright Side can rest. I'll hear her forever playing in my mind, and that's enough for me.

And when he sings, his words seem to seep in through every pore and fill me completely. I don't hear them; I feel them. I feel every word, every syllable. His voice, his delivery, it grabs ahold of me. The emotion in his voice makes my heart feel like it's going to burst. He’s so passionate. And holy shit, is it sexy.

It's just him now, and the sound is breathtaking. It's slow, passionate, and almost eerie. By the time the rest of the band joins in, I'm lost in it. And when he sings, I'm drowning. Drowning in the depths of the emotion pouring out of him. It's raw and it's pain and it's love, pure and fearless. He's drawn me in. I'm on the inside, the inside of this storm of emotions.

His grief hits me. He wrote this song about Kate, that's why they haven't played this song. He couldn't play this song. But he just did. And it was the most beautiful, angry, powerful thing I've ever heard. But his eyes, his eyes are shining. There's relief in them. And pride. And love. So much love that I can't help but smile at him. He smiles back at me, and when he does, I know he's going to be okay. This was a step he needed to take. And he didn't just take the step…he crushed it. He played the hell out of it. And the best part is…he knows it.

And for the first time, Gus's tattoo makes sense. Because this…everything I see…everything I hear…everything I feel…it's epic. Gus. Rook. They do epic.

Damn, her skin. She's all skin. Beautiful, warm, sensitive, nerve-filled skin. I feel her. I haven't felt anyone for months and months. Women were just bodies to satisfy my need. But with Scout, I feel her. I feel everything about her.

inaction is never rewarded. Results are the consequence of being an active participant in life.

He lives life with his heart fully exposed. From the inside out. His life isn't about what's going on outside, the Gus the rest of us see and perceive. He doesn't live life, he feels it. I've seen it. I've seen grief strangle him. And I've seen happiness make him glow with a brightness so intense it's almost blinding. That's what makes him so special. It's not his talent or his looks. It's how much he feels.

But I just want tonight to be about us and this insane, unstoppable need I have to be near you. Around you. To be your friend. To make you smile. To make you laugh. To make you happy. To protect you. I want to learn everything about you, Scout. Your past. Your present. Your future. But there's time for that tomorrow and the day after that. Tonight I just want to fall asleep with you. And tomorrow morning I want to wake up with you. I'm working on the whole living in the moment thing, and now, this moment, that's all I want."

I miss Katie, Gus. And I'll always love her. Not a day goes by that I don't think about her. But it's different now than it was a few months ago. It's not pain now; it's joy. I'm living my life for her, too. I'm living with purpose, but Stella and I are still having fun along the way. None of this would've been possible if it weren't for her. She taught me how to live. And how to love. I have no intention of wasting it."

It's called "Redemption." And the guys don't know it yet, but we just got our album title, too.

Redemption. That's what happened today. Not in the religious sense, but in an I'm-a-better-person-than-I-was-before sense. And it feels so fucking good.

"I mean, I think people find each other when they're ready for them. When they need each other the most. And it's in that time of need that the strongest relationships are formed."

Keller's next in line for Gus. And when they hug each other, it's not your average guy hug. They hold on. It's the kind of hug that's more like a conversation, words passed back and forth, an understanding between two people who share a common bond. And when that bond is love, it makes it even more powerful.

I don't miss opportunities anymore. Ever. Life is about living every moment. Doing what I want and need to do. No more hiding. No more hesitation. Just living.

Living life…really living it…is work. It's exhausting if you're doing it right. If you're out there making the most of every day. Every minute. Every second. Because out there in the middle of the chaos, that's where you find the beauty. That's where you find the reward.

I've come to the full realization that my happiness, my life, falls squarely on my shoulders. No one's gonna do it for it me. I'm the one who makes it or breaks it. It's a choice. A choice that demands action in exchange for reward. Idleness and complacency lead to mediocrity. Sometimes action is really fucking hard-fought, but that's when the payoff's the highest. That's when great things happen. Not good things…but epic things. And I've fallen in love with epic. It's the only way to live.