Gus (Bright Side, #2)

by Kim Holden

Every step I take is heavier than the one that came before it. I don't know where I'm going, only that my destination is a mind-numbing amount of alcohol.

The softness of grief hardens to anger again.

I don't want to feel anymore. I'm fucking tired of it.

I'm not ashamed to admit I'm hiding. I'm fucking hiding.

addiction. I can't stop thinking about her. Nothing specific, nothing I can visualize or recall. It's just pain and emptiness. Darkness. The light, the bright light, is gone. I'm fighting to draw calm out of the cigarette with each deep pull; to dispel the darkness. The calm doesn't come.

They both understood the power of silence. Some people are threatened by silence and try to avoid it or fill it with needless bullshit. Silence isn't the enemy. It can bring comfort and clarity and validation. It's a reminder of time for what it is…presence. Which sadly doesn't mean as much as it did a week ago.

Bright Side wasn't only my best friend; she was like my other half…the other half of my brain, the other half of my conscience, the other half of my sense of humor, the other half of my creativity, the other half of my heart. How do you go back to doing what you did before, when half of you is gone forever?

I know I'm obsessing in an entirely unhealthy way, but I have this fear that if I don't keep turning her over in my head, I'll forget. And forgetting scares the hell out of me.

I'm trying to commit every second of it to memory because I know in my heart this will never happen again. I was just given a gift. And I will treasure it for the rest of my life.

But everything I knew about sex changed when it happened with someone I loved. Last August—Bright Side. We'd known each other our entire lives. She was my next-door neighbor—my best friend. I was so in love with her, but she never knew it. She was funny, smart, talented, and fucking gorgeous. The most perfect creature God ever created. And that one night was all about exploration, appreciation, and intimacy. She's the most responsive lover I've ever had, but it was so much more. It was emotional; the best fucking night of my life. Period.

"My heart hurts so fucking bad, dude," I gasp. "I miss her. I miss her so much."

"I don't know how to be Gus without her, dude. I'm fucking lost as shit."

They want to be with Gustov. Not Gus. It's not that I act like two different people; I'm just me. But they don't know who that really is. I do. That's the difference. I'm

I wish she wouldn't hide, but I'm in no position to judge. I've been hiding from myself for months.

Every wink, squint, stare, widening, side-eye, scrunch, and eyebrow raise means something different and always gets a reaction out of me—an internal reaction that I usually hide, but that I also can't deny. It's a strange connection that I've never had with anyone else.

When you don't speak with someone out loud, you study their mannerisms and body language much more closely. You get to know them on a different level. Bright Side and I were that way. We could carry on an entire conversation without ever uttering a word.

Ask me who it was! I want to yell at her. Ask me why my heart can't take that conversation right now. Ask me why I can't get over her. Ask me why my best friend had to die. Or no, better yet, tell me why my best friend had to die. Tell me. Please. Explain it to me. I want to know. I need to know why I'm supposed to go through the rest of my life without being able to talk to her. Hug her. Hear her laugh. Watch the sunset with her. Watch her play her violin. Kiss her forehead. Tell her I love her. Hear her say it back. Why? Why?!

Can't judge when you don't know what kind of shit someone else is dealing with. I've learned that the past few months. I have a feeling your heart is heavy, and when your heart is heavy, everything's harder. Dealing with life is harder. Believe me, I know. The negative is amplified, and sometimes that extinguishes the peace."

Sometimes you meet people and you know the meeting wasn't chance. That they need you or you need them, sometimes both.

"Have you ever been in love?" He hasn't blinked. "Once." "How long did it last?" Looking back up to the sky, he answers. "Twenty-one years…and three days."

This hug, him crying and opening up to me, the humanity in all of it, is something I can feel in my heart. I feel alive and heavy with emotion, heavy like a tide that threatens to pull you under, but you somehow know it won't because your heart is buoyant enough to keep you afloat no matter what. It's blind faith…hope, or at least as close to hope as anything I've ever felt. A faint, reluctant hope that I can feel in both of us. Buried deep.

Some people wear their scars on the outside. Others wear them on the inside. Same difference. Your character, your heart, your essence, that's what's important, because that's the real you. All the rest, our looks, the material stuff? It's just meaningless bullshit.

People I love don't know how to love me back. They hurt me. That's how they love. That's how they love.

"You're not ugly. Or broken."

"You're a good boy." He grins. "Thanks, Mrs. R." "And she's a good girl," she adds with a wink

And for the first time, I realize that I finally know why Bright Side used to always say she didn't have any regrets. Because she lived in the moment. She didn't live in the past. She didn't give herself a chance to regret anything because she went out and made the most of what she had, even if it wasn't much. She never saw the negative, which so often pervaded her life. She looked for that one sliver of positivity and she blew it up until it was all she could see.

Alone. I think that's what bothers me most about losing Bright Side. With her, I was never alone. Even when she lived hundreds of miles away, I was never alone. I could feel her. She filled me. Like the music is filling the room right now.

"I know you're listening to this months after I'm gone. Who knows, maybe it's next year already." She knows me. She knew I'd put this off as long as I could. "And I know these past months have been shit. How do I know? Because, I can't even imagine our roles being reversed. I can't imagine losing you. I don't know what I would do without you, Gus. You've been the one person I've clung to my entire life. You're my life preserver. Whenever I thought life was just too damn hard or that it couldn't possibly get any worse, all I had to do was think about you or talk to you and that made everything better. For twenty years. You. Your laid-back attitude. Your wicked fucking sense of humor. Your caring nature. Your love. It saved me. Every. Single. Time. It reminded me of the goodness in the world. You, me, and Gracie. We took on the world together. We were a team. The best. "I know that God put certain people in my path in life to teach me something. Not only did you teach me how to swim, and how to surf, and how to play guitar, and how to drive, and how to swear," she pauses, and that beautiful giggle comes through the speakers again, "but you showed me what unconditional love feels like. I knew, without a doubt, my entire life, that whenever and wherever I needed you, you'd be there for me. Whether it was to help me work through a song I was writing and struggling with. Or to watch the sunset with me. Or to love Gracie as much as I did. Or just to talk. Or to hug me because I j...

"Listen to 'Gus's much-fucking-needed inspiration' and let it inspire you. There are a few songs I wrote that you've never heard. There are a few choruses that I never wrote the rest of the song around. There are guitar riffs and violin arrangements. There are words or phrases that, for some reason, stuck with me. I tried to pick out the best of the best and put it all in one place for you. If you only listen to the audio files once, that's fine, but please listen to them in their entirety. I know you; don't skip out early because it's hard. Just be brave, put your big boy pants on, and do it. Something you hear is going to click with you and you're gonna run with it. And it's going to turn into a kickass Rook song." She's right, it's time. It's time. "Two more things. I know if you aren't already smoking that you want a cigarette right now, so I'm gonna say it. You should quit. I tried not to be bossy or nag the hell out of you, but you really need to. ASAP. I like you alive and healthy. I'm not going to say this because I'm trying to put a guilt trip on you. I'm going to say this because it's the truth and I only want what's best for you." She pulls in a deep breath, which only helps reinforce the message she's trying to convey. She was on oxygen when she recorded this and I can hear the labored breath. "Cancer fucking sucks, Gus. You don't want this, dude. I don't want this for you. Please quit." She pauses again. I need the pause. Her words hit me right in the gut. The...

"I know this is the part where I'm supposed to say goodbye, but we agreed not to say goodbye anymore. And the truth is, I don't want to leave you. So, I'm going to tell you instead that I'll always be with you. I've already talked to God about signing on as your guardian angel." I don't doubt that she actually had that conversation out loud. She always talked to God like an actual person who was going to talk back. It always made me laugh, but I also liked the unabashed faith she had that it might actually make a difference. "I think he's cool with it, so, you know, I'll be around. I'll be watching and listening. Except when you're having sex, been there, done that; I know what you look like naked, dude." I hear her teasing smile winning the battle against the impending tears. "I'll leave you be and give you some privacy for the love sessions." I laugh out loud at that. Only Bright Side would talk about God, guardian angels, and sex in the same string of thoughts. "I guess I just want to say thank you, dude. For everything and more. I love you, Gus. Always."

My chest feels tight, but I'm not crying. I thought listening to this would crush me, destroy me, set me back months. Instead, I feel calm. I feel peaceful. I've just been given something I never knew I could have. I just got five minutes with my best friend again. I got five minutes to hear her familiar voice and her beautiful laughter. I got five minutes to hear her encourage me to be better. To do epic.

I don't know how to explain it, but the way the song came together, I knew I wasn't alone. I haven't written like that since Bright Side was around. I always feel her in my heart these days, because that's where she lives. I walk around with her inside me every day. And it doesn't hurt anymore. But the presence I felt tonight wasn't internal. It was physical. Tangible. Like someone was in the room with me, feeding me. Little did I know, she was just on the other side of the door. Filling my soul.

I didn't do anything. I listened. That's it. You, on the other hand, made me feel. Feel more than I probably ever have. I felt happiness, sadness, fear, and anger, but most of all, I felt hope. I've never been so honored to eavesdrop.

But her note? I'd play for her every day to hear that over and over again—to make her feel hope.

I finally feel like that part of Bright Side can rest. I'll hear her forever playing in my mind, and that's enough for me.

And when he sings, his words seem to seep in through every pore and fill me completely. I don't hear them; I feel them. I feel every word, every syllable. His voice, his delivery, it grabs ahold of me. The emotion in his voice makes my heart feel like it's going to burst. He’s so passionate. And holy shit, is it sexy.

"I showed you a different side of me tonight. It's your turn."

"You don't see the woman I see."

"I couldn't have played without you there tonight. I panicked when I got on stage and I couldn't find you in the crowd, that's why I asked you and Pax to move up front. I feel different when you're around. I feel better, like maybe I can deal with all the shit. I don't know what it is about you, but you make me want to be Gus again. Both sides. I had so much fun tonight. I haven't played like that in over a year."

"No one's ever seen me like this." "Lucky me. Because. You. Are. Beautiful."

Women were just bodies to satisfy my need. But with Scout, I feel her. I feel everything about her.

"I like you, Scout. I really like you." He laces his fingers through mine. "I don't know what that means, but I feel like I can't leave in the morning without saying it. And I don't want to fall asleep alone. Stay with me?"

"I just want to hold you tonight. It's not that I don't want to tear your bra and panties off and dominate you with my manhood until you're screaming my name…because I do." He presses his erection into my backside to illustrate his point. "Goddammit, I do. But I just want tonight to be about us and this insane, unstoppable need I have to be near you. Around you. To be your friend. To make you smile. To make you laugh. To make you happy. To protect you. I want to learn everything about you, Scout. Your past. Your present. Your future. But there's time for that tomorrow and the day after that. Tonight I just want to fall asleep with you. And tomorrow morning I want to wake up with you. I'm working on the whole living in the moment thing, and now, this moment, that's all I want."

I miss Katie, Gus. And I'll always love her. Not a day goes by that I don't think about her. But it's different now than it was a few months ago. It's not pain now; it's joy. I'm living my life for her, too. I'm living with purpose, but Stella and I are still having fun along the way. None of this would've been possible if it weren't for her. She taught me how to live. And how to love. I have no intention of wasting it."

My mind drifts to Scout. It always drifts to Scout. I need her. And it's not needy need. Not need that makes my heart ache. It's need that makes me whole. It's need that makes me not only remember who I am, but makes me want to be more. To do more. For me. For her. For us. It's a need that's liberating, because I have no doubt whenever and wherever that need arises, she's there for me. Like Ma said, it's all about timing. We were both at our lowest. Hurting. Grieving. And together we healed each other without even realizing it. I look Ma in the eye. "I think I love her, Ma."

And when we connect, I feel whole. It's an experience that's as emotionally fulfilling as it is physical.

"I think that's when I fell for you. I'd been falling for a long time, little by little. But that week…listening to you pouring your soul out? I was yours. I was so yours."

Every time someone says something about Kate, it makes me wish I could've known her. So much love surrounds her memory and those that knew her have nothing but the most positive things to say about her. I know her friendship is one of the reasons Gus is the man he is, and for that, I couldn't be more grateful.

She knows how much I loved Bright Side, but she also knows that doesn't take away from the love I feel for her. My heart's big enough for both of them. Bright Side helped make me the man I am, and Scout helped me remember who that man was, helping me become my own person. I love her so much.

"I've learned a lot about life these past few months. Living life…really living it…is work. It's exhausting if you're doing it right. If you're out there making the most of every day. Every minute. Every second. Because out there in the middle of the chaos, that's where you find the beauty. That's where you find the reward. And watching you tonight, babe? It was beauty in the middle of chaos. So damn beautiful. I was in awe. It was incredible. I mean, you're always amazing, but tonight was special. Everyone felt it."