Bright Side (Bright Side, #1)

by Kim Holden

remind myself the pain in my exhausted muscles isn't pain, it's life. And life feels divine. Every day, every minute, every second.

I found two people who make me laugh, like tears-in-my-eyes, almost-wet-my-pants laugh. Those are the kind of people I like to be around. And now I have two. Lucky me.

"Don't fuck Clayton over. He's special, and he's sweet, and he really likes you. I know this is all just getting started between the two of you, but don't get him all jacked up over you if you don't intend to pursue something with him. Clayton's never had a boyfriend; keep that in mind. His heart's been tucked away for eighteen years, so when he takes it out of his pocket and offers to share it with you, don't treat it like some shiny new toy that will only be forgotten when you're done playing with it. And don't take more than your share, unless you're willing to trade your own for it. Just don't fuck with him for the sake of a one-night stand, okay?"

Reading is an escape from the outside world. Everyone needs a little of that to keep their sanity.

"I'm not saying you shouldn't pursue dreams and goals. Just don't forsake the present for the unknowns of the future. A lot of happiness is bypassed, overlooked, postponed to a time years from now that may never come. Don't bide your time and miss out on this moment for a tomorrow with no guarantee."

Friendship is vital to me and trust is part of that. But on a deeper level, there's trust. Trust is something I don't toss around lightly. Very few people have ever earned it: Grace, Gus, and Audrey. That's about it. It's something that takes years to build.

Some people excel in the art of hugging. They somehow manage to hug you with their whole being, not just their arms. Their warmth surrounds every inch of you. It makes you feel cherished and comforted.

"Sorry about all the shit I've always given you. I hope you know I never meant any of it. You're one of most awesome dudes I've ever known."

As a little kid, I remember going over to Gus and Audrey's house and looking forward to seeing her because she always talked to me. And she was nice when she did it. My mother didn't talk to Grace or me much and when she did, she usually yelled. Audrey never yelled. I always thought that if I ever met an angel, she would sound just like Audrey.

"I missed being there with you," I say. "I did bake cinnamon rolls for Keller and Stella this morning, though, and made them eat the whole pan before we opened presents. Slight rule change: we didn't go outside. Ten degrees is kinda hardcore."

I'm glad you could share the tradition with them."

"Me too." I want to share everything with them. Little things like this are important.

"Remember how we talked about me coming home when it gets to be too much?"

"I think it's almost time." I'm trying to fight back tears, because I really don't want to cry. This is reality, and this is just the next step.

I wish with all my heart that you were coming back under different circumstances, but you are always welcome in my home. I would move heaven and Earth for you. I love you."

I don't have the heart to tell Keller I talked to Audrey. He knows this has been coming. When it does, it will crush him. I'm not looking forward to that. At all. I would tough it out here if I could, but I can't do that to him or Stella. I know the end is going to be ugly and demanding on everyone. I honestly don't want to ask anyone to be there with me through it, but if you can't ask your mom, who can you ask? I've always thought of Audrey as my mom. Janice may have been my mother, but Audrey is my mom. Even still, this is the first day of my entire life that I wish she wasn't. Someone like her shouldn't have to go through this.

I'm just… I'm fucking mad, Gus. That's all."

"Well shit, by all means, there's plenty of room at my table for anger." He gets it. That's why I called him, after all. "I've been dishing out heaping servings of fury for the past month. I feel better knowing I'm not the only one in this whole debacle with some rage issues. So, fire away. Fucking give it to me."

An explosive, steady stream of expletives flows out of me. I'm cursing it all, shouting out questions, pounding the steering wheel, and wiping away hot, angry tears. Occasionally Gus joins in, yelling affirmations. Sometimes he waits for a pause on my part and takes his turn, and sometimes he just steamrolls over the top of me. He's not yelling at me, he's yelling with me.

Now I understand why my mother ended it all.

"No, Katie, thank you. For everything. You are the bravest person I have ever known."

"Gus you need to give Kate a piggyback ride. Not 'cause she's sleepy. Just for fun."

Hey, Big Man. I meant what I wrote to Thomas. I don't know if it's my place to ask you for this, but whatever. Here goes. Please forgive him. I really do hope that he loves his wife and kids and that they love him. Thank you for blessing me with so many people to love.

Yesterday I received a box in the mail from Keller. It was labeled "Katie's Dream Vacation" and inside he had packed a travel DVD about Ha Long Bay, two pairs of cheap sunglasses, two small paper drink umbrellas, and a handwritten note of instructions.

Hey, God, it's me, Kate. I feel like we never really talked about what's going on except for my angry rant last month, but I want you to know that I'm not mad, you know, about the whole cancer cluster-fuck. It doesn't change the way I look at my life. I had a good one. I wouldn't have changed a thing. Gracie, Gus, Audrey, Keller, my friends, and my music were a gift from—well, you know, you. I get that, so thank you. Each and every one was a blessing. Speaking of which, I'm also here to ask for a solid. Please keep an eye on everyone I love when I'm gone, especially Keller and Gus. As human beings go, they're my favorites and yes, I'm requesting preferential treatment. Audrey, too. Take that as you will. Thanks in advance. And one more thing. I know I may be overstepping my bounds here, but I figure you're used to that with me by now. Don't think I'm a pussy, but when my time comes, can you take me painlessly, like maybe in my sleep or something? I'm kind of over the whole agony thing, to be honest with you. Plus, I know Gus and Audrey will most likely be with me when it happens, and I'd rather not leave them with a traumatic last impression. Oh, and can you let Gracie know I'm coming? You know, if she doesn't already know. Tell her we'll sing and dance and read stories and eat Twix bars and watch sunsets. This is probably the last you'll hear from me until I'm standing on your doorstep banging on the door like some obnoxious long-lost relative. I know you're secretly look...

I don't have a first memory because they were always there. I don't remember a time when they weren't. I remember other firsts. The first time Bright Side got stung by a jellyfish, she was four. The first time I heard her play the violin, she was eight. The first time she cussed me out, she was eleven. The first time I realized how beautiful she was, she was sixteen. The bikini was white, by the way."

"Is the twenty-year-old Katie much different than the ten-year-old Katie? She seems like an old soul. Like she was born with this amazing wisdom and grace, straight out of the womb."

"Bright Side was always different from other kids. Smarter, nicer, funnier," he says. He finally looks at me and smiles, "and mouthier."

"Did her mouth ever get her in trouble?"

"Does a bear shit in the woods? What do you think? That's the goddamn thing, though; people always back down from her when she stands her ground. And they love and respect her for it, because there's always truth behind it. That tiny little woman can m...

"You love her, right? I mean like, you love her with all your heart and soul?"

I nod. "I do. Heart and soul."

"Good, 'cause that girl loves you with her entire fucking being. I'd kick your ass if you didn't feel the same." No joke, he means it.

I should keep my mouth shut, because I feel like under any other circumstances what I'm about to say would be inappropriate, but the guy needs to get this out.

"You love her, too." It's not...

"Of course. She's my best friend. Who wouldn't love Bright Side?"

"That's not what I'm asking. Heart and soul, you're in love with her?"

"You don't want to hear the answer to that one, dude.”

"Probably not, but I see the way you look at her. This whole thing is tearing you up on a different level. I feel like I'm look...

"Gus, you need to talk to someone. Granted I may not be the ideal person, but anything you say right now stays between us."

He finally looks me in the eye. He holds me in a stare before he blinks several times and sighs. "Oh fuck it. Yes, I'm in love with her. I honestly can't remember a time that I wasn't."

"Did you ever tell her? I mean, real...

"Because I thought that she always deserved better. I knew she'd find someone someday as amazing as she was. That's all I ever wanted for her." It's one of the sincerest things I've ever heard.

"I know you slept with her. The night before she came to Grant."

I'm waiting for him to challenge me, to ask how I know something so private. But he doesn't. "Best fucking night of my entire life. Sorry, I know that's really messed up to tell you, but it was."

"Keller, dude, you don't have to answer this, but do you ever worry that you'll never be the same when she's gone? Like the rest of your life is just going to be this endless black hole devoid of happiness and love?"

"I don't like to think about it, but I can't help it sometimes. I've known her such a short time, but she's changed me entirely. I feel like I owe it to her not to waste that, you know? But yeah, it's going to be tough. Every fucking day, man."

"And thanks for not punching me in the face or ripping my balls off. I'm not sure I could've done the same if I was in your shoes. You're a good dude, Keller. No wonder Bright Side loves you so much."

"You're not so bad yourself. She loves you, too, Gus.”

"Thank you for trusting me. Thank you for letting me love you."