How to Keep House While Drowning: A Gentle Approach to Cleaning and Organising

by K.C. Davis

When everything is in place, you don’t feel like a failure; when it’s messy or untidy, you do. If you are completing care tasks from a motivation of shame, you are probably also relaxing in shame too—because care tasks never end and you view rest as a reward for good boys and girls. So if you ever actually let yourself sit down and rest, you’re thinking, “I don’t deserve to do this. There is more to do.”

Although it looks like a lot, there are actually only five things in any room: (1) trash, (2) dishes, (3) laundry, (4) things that have a place and are not in their place, and (5) things that do not have a place. The first step is to take a trash bag and pick up all the trash. Throw it away into the bag. Take large trash items like boxes and stack them together and place the trash bag with it. Do not take the trash out. Next gather all of the dishes and place them in your sink or on your counter. Do not do the dishes. Take a laundry basket and pick up all the clothes and shoes. Place the laundry basket next to the trash pile. Do not do the laundry. Next pick a space in the room like a corner or a desk and put all the items there that have a place back in their place. Then put the items that have no place in a pile. Move to the next space and repeat until all things are back in their spots. Now you will have a pile of things that do not have a place. It will be easier now that the space is clear to tackle this category. You may choose to get rid of some items that have no place and are contributing to clutter. For important things, you can find them a permanent place. Take out your trash to the bin; throw laundry into the wash or laundry room. Now your space is livable. I always save the dishes for another day.

Begin to notice how you speak to yourself on days when you feel you have fallen behind.

So much of our distress comes not from the unfolded laundry but from the messages we give ourselves. Lazy. Predictable. Unlovable. You do not need to be good at care tasks to learn how to develop a compassionate inner dialogue.

You deserve kindness and love regardless of how good you are at care tasks.

the compassionate observer The next time the bully starts talking and the little self starts shrinking, you can call on your compassionate observer self. They say to the bully, “You are not being helpful and I need you to stop.” And they turn to the little self and say, “I know you are in pain, and I know you feel like you are failing. But you aren’t.

not everything has to be aesthetically pleasing to be organized and not everything aesthetically pleasing is functional!

Instead of bullying yourself into finishing a task, instead try giving yourself permission to start a task. Let yourself get a little done. Say, “I am going to do one dish.” Often you’ll find that motivation kicks in after you have already started. It’s stressful to try to summon up 100 percent of the momentum to do something while sitting on the couch. Let yourself use 5 percent energy to do 5 percent of the task.

It doesn’t matter if you’re “never caught up on laundry.” It only matters if everyone has clean clothes to wear when they need them.

Not everything has to be clean at the same time.

the “wake up and get ready” morning ritual had been replaced by “get woken up by a screaming baby and run as fast as you can to feed said baby.” Sleep deprivation, being homebound, and focusing on the new and overwhelming experience of caring for a newborn left brushing my teeth as a rogue task with no home in my daily rhythm.

If you go through your whole life thinking that every time you clean the fridge it has to be perfect, every time you take a shower it has to be perfect, every time you do a work project it has to be perfect, you will burn out and hate your life. But if prioritizing a few good things that really matter to you and aiming for good enough with the rest of it lets you come out at the end of the day healthy and able to experience joy—now that’s an excellent life.

Perfectionism is debilitating. I want you to embrace adaptive imperfection. We aren’t settling for less; we are engaging in adaptive routines that help us live and function and thrive. Good enough is perfect.

those who work in shame also rest in shame. Instead of relief, taking a break only brings feelings of guilt.

Unlearn the idea that care tasks must be totally complete before you can sit down.

Yet where did I get the message that choosing to prioritize rest over the dishes for one night is irresponsible? The problem isn’t that I chose to rest instead of clean the kitchen; it’s that I told myself I was being a bad person by doing so. How would it be different if I chose instead to say, “It would be a great kindness to myself right now to just let this go and rest tonight. It will still be there tomorrow”?

There is never a moment, especially in the care of children, when everything is “done” and you can clock out. Think of the “easiest” job you can imagine and ask yourself if you would want to work it sixteen hours a day while being on call overnight for 365 days a year. No person can do this and be healthy.

Our understanding of rest is as follows: Rest is fun. It’s a time when you engage in a recreational activity of your choosing. It can be relaxing like watching television or painting (or taking a nap!) or it can be active like hiking or shopping. Rest is not doing care tasks alone. Grocery shopping, getting your hair cut, or taking a shower is not rest. Rest is recharging. What you find recharging is unique to you and there are lots of different types of rest. I have friends who find going to a spin class recharging to their mind

Rest includes time autonomy. Care tasks should be divided in such a way that there is time for everyone to rest and keep the home functioning. In partnerships with children, rest times likely have to be more structured—looking more like protected times in the week when you can decide what you will do without having to “get someone to cover.” A situation where one partner can come and go on a whim and assume the other will care for the children, but the other partner has to practically file HR paperwork with their spouse three weeks ahead of time in order to leave for an afternoon is not a partnership with fair rest. Everyone deserves a window of their week when they have time autonomy.

Rest isn’t being on call. This means that getting to watch a TV show on a Saturday while your kids play in the living room and come in to ask you for snacks and to referee fights every ten minutes is not rest. Rest includes responsibilities. It is your partner’s responsibility to protect your rest time but your responsibility to actually rest. If your own perfectionism has you using your rest times to scrub baseboards, that is not your partner’s fault.

having a limited capacity is not the same as being entitled and accepting help is not the same as exploiting others.

Toys on the floor will mean nothing to them but a parent who cared enough to buy them. Dishes in the sink will represent to them a parent who always fed them. Stains on their clothes will remind them of how cool it is to have a parent who lets them use art supplies or play in the mud.

It’s better to have a low-key home care plan that you feel empowered to do than a perfect one that is left undone or adds stress to your life.