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“I think that line is open to interpretation. How about you give me a burden, and I’ll give you a secret?” he asked.
“I haven’t told you my secret.” “Rain.” “When I thought you were both dead, I wanted to follow. Tried to follow by harassing Declan. I don’t know how long it was before he told me you survived. I stopped egging him on after that. “
“When I thought you were both dead, I wanted to die too. To join you. Not a single part of me wants to live without you. And it’s fucking killing me that I’m afraid to touch you, to kiss you, when there’s nothing I want more.”
“You taste like home,” he said.
“Where did you sleep? He told me not to wake…oh. Oh gods. Ick.” I nearly laughed at her repulsion.
“I cannot help but think you didn’t trust me back then. You never told me the two of you…” She trailed off, but her meaning was clear. “Most young men don’t take it upon themselves to tell their mother after the first time they’ve been inside a woman,” I said, stone-faced. She cringed in response.
“‘Love will be his greatest punishment,’ he said. ‘I’m scared he won’t survive it.’”
“Cover your ears, Dickey,” he said, not bothering to see if the boy obeyed. “And what the fuck is Dickey going to do? He’s a boy who barely knows how to use a sword. Divine fucking hell, Dewalt. I was trying to trust her decisions, and I thought, like an idiot clearly, that I could trust yours too.”
I’d never felt more alone.
“I’m the only woman in the dormitory who wasn’t raped by Declan. And they all make sure I know they hate me for it. That’s why I’m here. Thyra and Elora don’t look at me like I’m less than dirt. Her Majesty knows and trusts me enough. Does that make you feel better? Can I go now? It’s late, and I need to get back.”
“Honor,” she said. “What?” “Nor is short for Honor.” “Your name is Honor,” I repeated, a brow raised.
My stomach dropped. A mistress who died suspiciously? “What was her name?” “Miriam.”
“You mistake me. I need you more than I’ve ever needed anyone. Staying away from you has been—“ He shook his head. “A fish without water. The tides without the moon. A flower without the gods damn sun. You are my heart and soul. You are the reason I draw breath. That’s why I’ve been so fucking scared to hurt you. I refuse to live in this world if you’re not a part of it, and if I somehow was the reason for it? I want to escape those thoughts, but the worst part is that I shouldn’t. When I wake up in a cold sweat and have to remind myself where I am, I’m grateful it’s not by your side.”
“Don’t feel like you have—if it’s too much, I—“ “There hasn’t been a gods damn moment since I’ve met you when you haven’t been too much. You eclipse the fucking sun, Em. I ought to be used to it by now. You’ve been so brave. You saved our daughter, you saved me—gods, what can’t you do?”
“You’re divine. The greatest thing the gods have ever done was deign for me to taste you for eternity. Now, spread your legs wider.”
“I think shooing the fish out is the least sacrilegious thing happening here. I just made you cry out to the gods while you rode my face.”
“Mine,” he uttered, choked with emotion, and I watched as a tear broke from his lashes and its descent cracked my heart in two. Swiping my thumb over it, I cupped his jaw, pulling his mouth to mine.
“She’ll have interest in any…friend of mine. But that cost is much too high. Your brother said to use reason, and we won’t be giving you to my mother. Don’t worry.” “And you?” “Well, we’ll just have to see, won’t we?” Her smile seemed forced.
If this is what it feels like, then I am ruined.
If I am the moon, then you are the sun, fireshine. You shine your light upon me and brighten all which is cold and dark within me. You have taught me to forgive is divine and even I, a loathsome creature, am deserving of it. I spend every moment wishing for more with you. More quiet, more talking, more kissing. Just more. If you never wish to look upon me again, Alina, I understand. But know, I am ruined for having loved you. I slid the bracelet onto my wrist.
“Cy, you don’t have to go,” I said. “I think I do. I just hope you know I realize now it was a mistake. I should have let it all burn. Either way is hell for me, but in one outcome, I made it hell for you too. I wish I could take it back.” And then he was gone.
“How many times have you finished in this bed? How many times did you ride your hand and think of me?” A red flush creeped up her cheeks, and I tugged her close and kissed her neck. “A few dozen at least,” she replied. “That’s it?” “I didn’t keep track.” “Well, I didn’t keep track of how many times I fisted my cock to thoughts of you, but it was certainly more than a few dozen. Gods.”
“I’m just being facetious, Em. Don’t worry about me. I know I made this sweet cunt wet just from a memory of me. You’re probably wet right now.”
“I’ve heard nudity is quite comfortable. As is being bent over on the bed with your thighs spread.”
“What do you think?” she asked, fighting a smile as if her life depended on it. A sack. That’s what she wore. A hideous brown sack hanging nearly to the floor. No shape, nothing. There were no sleeves to it, so her bare arms stuck out from either side. “You’re a rectangle.”
“On your knees, Your Majesty.”
“I know, Em. You feel how good you take me? Gods damn made for me.”
She made a noise, wincing at the absence, and I watched as I dripped out of her. The glint of her wetness on my cock, the mess we’d made of one another, was enough to satiate some primal instinct of mine. The sight was enough to draw a grumble out of my chest as I used my thumb to circle her entrance, pushing my release back inside and drawing a whimper from her lips.
