Don't Text Your Ex Happy Birthday: And Other Advice on Love, Sex, and Dating

by Nick Viall

We’re rewriting narratives and events because we have egos, and we’re often afraid of the truth, or because we’re invested in one outcome.

You know, I don’t know when I’m going to find my person, but I would rather find them when I’m forty-two and be with them and have a great marriage for as long as I live—which hopefully might be another thirty, forty years—than be married and divorced at thirty-nine after a three-year marriage that failed.

Nothing is a better indicator of someone’s lack of excitement about you than if they are inconsistent.

If someone constantly agrees to plans and then changes them last minute, always shows up late, or is generally inconsiderate of your time, that’s when you can assume they aren’t reliable—and also that they aren’t that excited or invested in you.

As I’ve said, most of us choose not to do that out of fear of hearing the answer we don’t want. Nevertheless, it’s the most efficient way of identifying if there is a chance that this might change, while simultaneously starting the healing process. Once you communicate your vulnerability, it’s like a cleanse that will get you to start feeling healthy again. It may not heal you as fast as you want, or in the manner that you want, but you will feel better. Communicating what you want—setting expectations and boundaries—and holding yourself accountable after you do it will get the person you are in a situationship with to either choose you, because losing you is something they would rather not do, or make it very clear that they’re never going to choose you. I also think it’s good to remember that if your situationship turns you down after you try to define things, they aren’t really rejecting you, they are just rejecting what you want.

the bigger the ego, the harder the fall.

It’s hard to put yourself out there and let someone know you’re interested in getting to know them, only to immediately find out they are not interested in getting to know you. That’s real vulnerability, and it’s not easy on our egos to be rejected.

Being honest takes a lot of confidence.

Embrace your insecurities. Acknowledge your bad habits with the promise to always try to work on them. Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. Even the best actors can’t do method for a lifetime.

Our egos also can play a role in our confusing chemistry with an opportunity to feel validation. Is it chemistry we are feeling, or is this person we find incredibly attractive just giving us a little attention?