How to Kill Your Family

by Bella Mackie

I decided long ago that Kathleen and Jeremy Artemis would be the first to leave us. This was for several reasons really, the first being that they’re old so it doesn’t matter as much. Old people who do nothing but drain their pensions and stultify in their favourite armchairs isn’t a brilliant advertisement for humanity in my opinion. Great that we’ve worked out how to make people live longer with medical intervention and healthier lifestyles, unfortunately they will become useless bed blockers who get more and more mean-spirited until they are nothing more than bigoted beasts of burden living in the room you wanted to make a study.

‘All human wisdom is contained in these two words, “Wait and Hope”.’

Women always backpedal when they slip up and admit they think they’re attractive, a lifetime of being told by men not to be ‘arrogant’. Be as beautiful as possible but make sure it seems effortless and, crucially, never acknowledge it.

Mothers are adept at providing love from all angles, so much so that you often don’t realise you’re missing out on love from other people until much later in life.

Self-care is the latest consumerist trend pushed at women wrapped up as empowerment.