Set On You

by Amy Lea

“Millennials,” Dad chides, eliciting a rumble of laughter around the table. “I just don’t understand.” I catch Dad’s eye and hold it. “Dad, you don’t have to understand it.”

I desperately want to haul him off the dance floor, find a darkened corner, and grope him with abandon.

“Is this what I have to look forward to in the dating world? If so, I think I’ll go purchase the first of my thirteen cats.”

Is my self-doubt hypocritical? My brand’s very foundation is rooted in body positivity. So why have I allowed the comments of total strangers to make me doubt myself when I’ve come so far in loving my body?

I’m like a completely broken version of myself with no way to put myself back together.

How can he be in love with me if I’m not even sure I’m in love with me anymore?

“You’re putting unfair pressure on yourself, Crystal. Everyone doubts themselves sometimes. It’s part of being human. Especially after what you’ve been through.”

If there’s one common thread among all my past clients, it’s that they were well on their way on their journey to self-acceptance. Sure, they didn’t love themselves every single second of every day. And I reassured them that was okay. That as long as there was more love than loathing, they were on the right track.

That’s the thing with strength training: breaks delay progress, regardless of muscle memory.

“This is why I hide from the internet at all costs.” Her teasing expression is quickly replaced with sympathy. “I’m sorry you feel like you’ve lost your platform and some of your confidence over the photo. That’s awful. Humans aren’t made for that kind of scrutiny. No one should have to go through that.”

I’ve encouraged people to love themselves no matter what. I’m starting to think it’s a lot to ask. Loving yourself all day, every day?”

“I don’t think confidence and self-worth is something you magically attain. And you don’t simply hold on to it forever like a tangible object. It’s fluid. You can be confident in every aspect except one. Or something could happen and all your confidence can be shattered in an instant. Like the Instagram photo. It doesn’t mean you don’t inherently love yourself to the core.”

“How do I get my confidence back?” “You’ve gotta find it on your own terms. You rediscover things you love about yourself and nourish them. And not just the things society tells you that you should love. Beauty isn’t objective, you know, as much as society tells us it is.” I purse my lips. “I don’t know if I agree with you.” “Why not?” “Because people seem to like the same things, predominantly. Everyone thinks Scarlett Johansson is hot. The Hemsworth brothers. Idris Elba. Heart-shaped faces. Light eyes. You name it.” “Only a segment of Western society,” she notes. “Curves used to be revere...

“Everyone sees beauty differently, Crystal. What’s worse, that same society taught us as little girls that we’re not beautiful because we’re not white and skinny. I mean, did you ever have a Barbie doll that looked like you when you were a kid?” “No.” She gives me a pointed look. “Exactly. And all these massive corporations that told us we weren’t beautiful—that we weren’t objects of affection—are suddenly screaming at us to love ourselves.” “And if we don’t love ourselves, all the time, we’re the problem.” I nod, coming to a stark realization. I became part of that machine, selling that idea to my followers.

Taking my own advice from my recent Instagram post, I grab a piece of paper and make a list of all the things I like about myself. Not just the things I like because society has deemed them valuable. I also make a list of the things I don’t like. Interestingly, my “Likes” list is twice as long as my “Dislikes” list. I also put a bunch of things into both lists. I stare at the lists as it all begins to seep in.

Confidence and love for yourself are ever-changing. I’m allowed to feel good sometimes, and not so good at other times.

Who’s to tell me I should be ashamed for not feeling my best after being humiliated online only days ago? With this in mind, I get back on track with my workouts over the next few days, slowly but surely. Every time I...

I’m beginning to respect the image I see in the mirror, even if I don’t...

The other day, I caught my reflection after doing a challenging set of Romanian deadlifts. I actually smiled, not just because I was having a good hair day, but because I was proud of myself. And that was pr...

Of course, there are setbacks with every step forward. But as long as I’m honest with myself in my dark moments, as long as I’m moving forward, finding little ways to counter the negati...

I’m sorry, but I can’t say I love every roll and all my cellulite all day, every day. At the same time, I don’t need to self-loathe and hate myself either. It’s about accepting and respecting yourself, while realizing there is so much more to you than just your body.

eventually I realized, no matter what, people are going to be cruel. And if I wanted to live a positive life, I needed to do what I could to protect myself.” “Like what?” I ask. “Not allowing bigots into my life. Speaking up when someone says something offensive. But there’s a difference between speaking up and letting their ignorance have power over you.” He sighs. “Took a while to come to terms with. But I didn’t need anyone’s approval, nor did I need to feed into negativity and let it define me.”

“But the biggest thing that got me through it all was your mother. Sure, I could have done it alone. But it was a lighter burden when I let her in. She didn’t always understand. But she tried to. She listened. And she helped me see the positive when I was down. She was my rock. Still is.”

“I’m just telling you one of my stories. Whether you relate it to your own life is your prerogative.”

“Don’t let anyone else dictate your worth. Ever.

I had my entire speech prepared, but now that he’s right in front of me, all my thoughts stream through like water from a bursting dam. Whatever’s about to come out of my mouth is going to be anything but smooth.

Growing up, I had this weird complex where I never felt quite good enough. And it wasn’t only because of my size. It was everything. I never thought I was good enough at sports, or smart enough for school, or funny enough for my friends.”

was myself I didn’t trust, because I was holding myself to an unattainable standard.

“I realized … loving myself isn’t realistic at all times. I’m allowed to feel self-conscious and sad at times, but also confident and happy at other times, as long as I’m accepting and respecting myself.

I miss laughing with you until we cry.”

The feeling of his lips against mine, after all this time apart, is like that first drop of water hitting your tongue after a killer CrossFit workout. His kiss is a revival. It’s full of life, relieving me of all the chaos and noise spiraling around my mind, crippling me for far too long. It all just stops when he touches me, settling into perfect serenity. It’s quiet. It’s crystal clear. I can hear all of my own thoughts, for the first time in years.

“I know my type.” “And what’s that?” I ask as my fingers trace the hard ridges of his back. “Strong-willed, confident, kind, and challenging.” A soft laugh escapes him. “My mom says I have a thing for anything guaranteed to be a massive pain in the ass.”

“The truth is, I no longer use terms like ‘body positivity’ and ‘self-love.’ Instead, I now use ‘body respect’ and ‘self-acceptance.’ Why? Because loving yourself ALL THE TIME is unrealistic. We all have days where we doubt ourselves. And that’s when we need to focus on acceptance and respect for ourselves, not hate or love. I can love my body and still have moments of doubt without feeling guilty about it. I’m sick of being ‘too fat’ for society, and then demonized if I don’t ‘love myself anyway.’ It’s an unhealthy cycle, and it took this experience to see it.

“It’s easy to say ‘Oh, the haters are just jealous and miserable.’ Maybe that’s true. It’s a shame people can’t see beyond size, or color, or class. And it’s taken time to realize that I can’t single-handedly change people’s minds.”

“I want everyone who doesn’t conform to mainstream beauty standards to know that they are worthy of an epic love story too. We all are.”