If There's a Way (Lost Boys #2)

by Jessie Walker

For those who did.

The sun is gone but I have a light. KURT COBAIN

The boy who can’t love me, let alone—and more importantly—love himself... Because of this. Fucking. Monster.

“Nurture might be the thing that makes or breaks us, but just because we break, doesn’t mean we stay broken,”

There’s something terrifyingly lonely about sacrificing what’s gotten you through the hardest moments of your life. Something painfully bleak. Like reaching for a friend who no longer wants anything to do with you.

The Lost Boys. Orphaned, exiled… banding together, ready for whatever may come our way. It won’t be easy. We’re not even fucking close to okay—Mason, Shawn, or I. But we have each other. Not okay, but not alone.

Where grief would rather have us cower, submit to its whims, and give up—we fucking spit in its face. Life is for the living, motherfucker.

Because I’m not… straight. I’m not straight. Fuck, I’m not straight. I don’t know what the hell I am, but it’s definitely not that. And if there was ever a time and place to learn to be okay with that, it’s this moment here.

Nothing is going to stop me this time. Not now. Not here. I won’t let it. I don’t exactly know where this newfound confidence came from, and I know it can’t last, and I’m not about to waste a second of it. Because I’m safe here. I’m safe here. I’ll always be safe when he’s around.

My eyes slide shut, and my lungs fill with so much air I feel like I might burst. Like I might float away. This. This right here, I think. This is what I’ve always been waiting for.

All I feel is the boy in my arms—my boy. My guy. My man. The one who’s been there all along, waiting for me—and all I can do is pray that I’m not too late. Please, please, please don’t let me be too late.

But he is. He is, and maybe he’ll never look at me like this again. Maybe this is my only chance to show him. See, Will, see. See this heart in my chest. See how it flies for you.

With my heart in my throat, I surge forward, crushing my lips to his. See, Will, see how I fly for you.

“And I’d rather feel this burden of knowing and loving you than go even a second without you existing somewhere on this planet.”

All I know is he’s texted me once every single day since. Just those two simple words that somehow mean more to me than anything else he could say: Still beating.

JJ’s all grown up. My mouth ticks up sadly. Look at our boy, Iz. We did good.

I’ll do whatever it takes to prove I’m not going anywhere. Prove he’s not a whim or a fix or any-fucking-thing else in between. He’s the beat of my fucking heart. And that? That’s everything.

“I want to be burdened by you,” I tell him, lifting my shoulders before dropping them. “I want to be the person you burden.”

But I… I don’t want to fly away. I just want to be with him. I don’t want to be broken anymore. I don’t want to believe I’m wrong anymore. Will told me to keep my heart beating, and I will, I will. How can I stay with him if I give into his biggest fears?

To give me a second—fuck, I don’t even know what number chance I’m on at this point, but I want it. Need it. Because I know this time... This time I’m not going to yank it away from him. I’m not going to spit on it or throw it in his face or hurt him with it. This time will be for real. This time will be for always. Whether I’m good and ready for it or not.

I just need to fucking figure out how to make him listen. Better yet, I need to figure out how to get him to believe me.

“The monster you see coming is often far less dangerous than the monster you don’t,”

Words, actions… They mean nothing without the cushion of seconds, minutes, hours, days moving forward. Always forward, never back. And it hits me then. Somewhere along the way… I forgot my heart beats too.

“But you know what? You know what I’ve realized?” I go on, not tearing my gaze off his. “What?” “I like myself a whole lot better when I’m with you.”

“You didn’t make anything worse, Will,” I tell him after a long, quiet moment. “You woke me up, that’s all. You brought me back to life.”

“All there’s left in me is… is you, and I don’t even know if that makes sense. But it’s you. It’s always been you.”

I know I need to do something. I know there are things that need to be said, important things… But I’m ash. I’m dust. I am his. All his. And how I ever convinced myself I could ever be anything but… Well. We’ll just leave that mystery for the gods to solve. Because I’m out. Done. Kaput. Will Foster has left the fucking building.

With that thought, and a new sense of determination, I pull back and gaze at my grumpy, dark-haired, hazel-eyed boy, and vow to myself I’m done… I’m done fucking running.

“It’s always the ones who condemn it the loudest that have something to hide, right?”

After all, the real monsters are just humans who forgot how to be good. Humans who turned away from the light.

There he is. There’s my sunshine.

“You’re my boyfriend. Fuckin’ deal with it.”

“One day, I’m gonna hold your hand in public, and not feel like I’m dying when I do it.”

It’s human nature to take things for granted, but hell, if loving Waylon taught me anything, it’s that I need to suck the goddamn marrow out of every little moment with him. Big and small. Every win. Every loss. And everything in between.

Life isn’t a fucking black hole, as much as grief and trauma and pain would have us think that. Light can always prevail. And there is so, so much light to be found.

Is it pathetic? Unmanly, that I…feel so much these days? Maybe. But also, fuck that and fuck you. Who decided it was a crime for boys to fucking feel? Who decided we can’t be soft too?

They’re finally whole. Still broken, sure. Still a little fucked up. But they’re finally on the same page for the first time in, well, ever. Waylon’s no longer hiding who he is, Mason’s no longer buried in his denial, and Shawn… Shawn’s trying. Change is on the horizon. I can feel it. Big change.

So maybe, just maybe, all along… I was running to him. Waylon. The boy who kept that piece of me all these years. The boy who’d help me find my way back.

“See that dark gray headstone over there?” he says, pointing somewhere behind me. He doesn’t wait for me to look. “They died when they were in their eighties within days of each other. Let’s shoot for that future instead, okay?”

“I’d rather give every little piece of myself to you,” he goes on roughly, “than wonder what could have been because society says it’s wrong. Too much. Toxic.”

“I feel bad for those who never find what we have. But I feel even worse for those who do and never let themselves love as much as I love you.”

Will, the person who my heart beats for. The guys I call brothers. My cousin who’s always been more like a sister—just like the one whose ghost walks these paths. The one we came here to celebrate, along with her twin brother… They’re my family. Blood might be thicker than water, but us? We’ve got thorns. There is no pulling away without one of us bleeding out. It’s codependent. Toxic as fuck. Messy and raw in a way that most people will never understand or accept. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. Pun absolutely intended.

“Hey, City Boy,” Waylon whispers as Mason carries out the bridge, pitching his voice as high as it can go. “Hey, what?” I say dropping my gaze. “I’m happy.”

Shit’s not perfect—far fucking from it. But if there’s anything I’ve learned these last few months, it’s that we don’t need perfect. We just need each other. Waylon and me… This little family of misfits…

No, we’re not lost, I think, smiling against his cheek. Not anymore… But found.

“You’ve been through so fucking much these last few years,” she says, sobering. She drops her gaze to each one of the Lost Boys. First Shawn, then Mason, and then, lastly, the guy in my arms. Waylon. “More than most people go through in a lifetime. But you never gave up. And I know I kind of suck at showing it, but I am…so, so goddamn proud of you. All three of you.”

“To family. To our Lost Boys.” She grins. “May you always find your way home.”

Nothing else matters but this. His lips on mine, that god-forsaken tongue ring… That stubborn, reckless heart of his, beating heavily against my chest. Way and Will, Will and Way… Two halves of a fucking whole. Always.

All I see in this moment—all I know—are those deep, bottomless blue eyes looking back at me… As I let the ocean carry me away. Once and for always.