If There's a Way (Lost Boys #2)

by Jessie Walker

The sun is gone but I have a light. KURT COBAIN

When I was ten, I met a boy. It was mid-November, but I couldn’t tell you what day.

“This is Will Foster. He’s new here. Be nice.”

I don’t need anyone else. I especially don’t need him... Or these flippy feelings in my chest when I think about those stupid ocean blue eyes.

The boy who can’t love me, let alone—and more importantly—love himself... Because of this. Fucking. Monster.

No unknowing them. There is only acceptance. Truth. There is only ever survival.

Just a little longer. He holds on tighter. He doesn’t let go. Will, Will, Will.

“He didn’t push you away.” Everything in me stills. “He held you closer, so close I don’t know how he didn’t leave bruises.”

He releases a short sigh. “Isn’t it obvious?” He cocks his head. “He wasn’t just terrified I’d hurt him for it, Will…” My vision blurs. “...he was terrified I’d hurt you.”

His last message to me burns a hole in my memory—just two simple words, I won’t soon forget: Fuck you.

“You’re very bitchy when you’re sad. Anyone tell you that before?”

And like hell I’m leaving now that I know Will’s inside.

“You deserve better than that, but it’s up to you to climb your way out of this. We can reach down to help, but it’s up to you to grab our hands and let us pull you up.”

“We were always gonna end up here, weren’t we?” “Where there’s a will, there’s a way. Inevitable, wouldn’t you say?”

All I feel is the boy in my arms—my boy. My guy. My man. The one who’s been there all along, waiting for me—and all I can do is pray that I’m not too late. Please, please, please don’t let me be too late.

thought I knew what it was like to kiss Waylon

McAllister. I thought I knew what it was like to love Waylon McAllister. Desperate. Angry. Painful.

to chest. “No, it has everything to do with you!” I jam a finger just above his heart. “It has everything to do with you and the fact you’d rather be miserable than be with me!” His face threatens to break, but he quickly recovers, jutting his chin out as he glares up at me defiantly. “It’s easier, isn’t it?” I

“Well too fucking bad,” I murmur. “You are loved. And I’m not better off without you.” He sucks in a shaky breath. Slowly, I take a step back, then another. His shirt pulling until I have no choice but to let go. “And I’d rather feel this burden of knowing and loving you than go even a second without you existing somewhere on this planet.”

“You’re a ticking time bomb,” I hear myself say, my voice distant even to my own ears. “One that just keeps fucking rebuilding itself after every explosion, over and over and over again. But I don’t. I don’t rebuild. I don’t heal. I just keep taking it. But I can’t anymore. There’s not enough left of me to take any more shrapnel and walk out alive.”

I’ll be okay. So long as I can keep this… I’ll be okay.

“Keep this beating.” I still. “Just keep your heart beating for me, okay?” His voice

“...somehow, through all that darkness caving in around him, he managed to think of you. Worry about you…”

“Just because you were Zayne’s greatest love, doesn’t have to mean he was yours.”

I’m sorry you weren’t my greatest love.

“Shouldn’t we be running in the exact opposite direction of one another?” “And what, meet back in the middle? Or are you a flat Earther these days?”

Always going for what he wanted like it was nothing. Like it was the easiest thing in the world. And I guess I forgot he’s human. I forgot he has insecurities too. That he has pain that he hides so well ninety-nine percent of the time, only for it to slip through when it all becomes too much.

“You do realize you’re supposed to chew before you swallow, right?” I say dryly. He pauses with his fork hovering inches above his plate. Lifting his head, he gives me an amused look. “Is that what you’ve been taught? ’Cause if that’s the case, remind me never to let my junk near your mouth.” Now it’s my cousin who’s choking, seeing as she’s sitting right the fuck next to him. I bug my eyes out like I can’t believe he just fucking said that. He cocks a tawny brow, daring me to do something about it.

narrow my eyes at him. “I didn’t hear you complaining last weekend.” Ivy’s outright wheezing now.

“They’re flirting. I think,” Ivy rasps, gesturing to us both.

I’ll do whatever it takes to prove I’m not going anywhere. Prove he’s not a whim or a fix or any-fucking-thing else in between. He’s the beat of my fucking heart. And that? That’s everything.

again? How do I tell him I haven’t not beat the sun at welcoming the new day without some kind of substance in years? How do I tell him that his throat is just sitting there, begging for my lips? Like I might die just looking at him right now, because I’m too far away? My hand’s pressed over his heart and I am. Still. Too. Far. Away.

all he’s had to say, he goes and obliterates me. “That’s my burden, okay?” Exhaustion weighs down every word. “My burden is loving you, but not letting myself have you, because I’m fucking petrified nothing will ever be enough to keep you. And I can’t live with that. I literally cannot live with the idea of losing you, Waylon. So there you fucking have it. I’m not just scared, I’m petrified. Happy?”

Control what once controlled me, I think, replaying what I told Dr. Wells yesterday. “And if you can’t?” “Then at least I’ll know I tried. I have to try.” For me. For the guys… The band. Will. Because it always comes back to him. I have to fucking try.

“You’re my family. Your happiness is what matters. The past needs to stay where it belongs—in the past.”

“You’re that kid we picked up at Ray’s a couple weeks ago.”

“What the hell’s he talkin’ about?” Mason says quietly. Not taking my eyes off the officer, I swallow, then tell Mason, “I may have gotten arrested while you were in rehab.”

His partner—a younger guy—huffs. “Wait, this is the guy who beat up McAllister?”

I freeze. Mason freezes. Shawn sighs from behind me, and I picture him shaking his head, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“Fuck that. They know shit like that isn’t tolerated here. He had no fucking right talking to you like that. This is supposed to be a safe space.”

“You were fucking arrested and you didn’t tell me? What did you do? Please tell me you beat the shit out of some bigoted asshole. Please tell me it was worth it. Please tell me they’re pissing through a bag now.”

“Why aren’t you surprised by any of this?”

picked him up from the station,” is all Shawn offers, his voice flat and emotionless. “When?” Mason snaps back. Jeremy rolls his eyes as I sidle up next to him. “Couple days before you got outta rehab. What’s it matter?” Shawn says. “I swear these two bicker like an old married couple,” Jeremy mutters under his breath. Nodding, I can’t help but ping my gaze between the two as their conversation gets more ridiculous by the second. “And you didn’t think to tell me?” “I don’t have to tell you everything.” “Yes, you do.” Shawn scrunches up his face, and it’s more emotion that I’ve ever seen on the guy. “No, I don’t.”

Mason presses his hand to his chest. “I’m your sponsor.” “No…” he says slowly. “I’m yours.” “Then who the fuck is yours?” “Mildred.” Mason scoffs. “Mildred? That old bat. Since fuckin’ when?” I turn my head, instinctively seeking out Waylon to see what his reaction is to all this, only for something to sink in my chest when I remember he’s upstairs. Not alone, but still… On the outside.

“Since you decided not to come to me before flushing your sobriety down the toilet!” Shawn shouts. I freeze as all thoughts of Waylon momentarily retreat to the background. ’Cause damn. I don’t think I’ve ever heard the guy yell before. Scratch that—I know I haven’t. Next to me, Jeremy whistles under his breath. “Ouch.” Something tells me he’s getting way, way too much enjoyment out of this.

“Because you’ve been a far better friend to him these last few months than I’ve been for years.”

“I mean, God forbid they don’t remind us. We might just accidently…“—I wave a hand—“slip and fall dick-first into their assholes.”

I never took you for a coward, Will. So find those big, stupid balls of yours that you had no problem toutin’ around like a douchebag when you first rolled into town, and get your shit together before I fucking kick them up into your asshole.”

To survive is our very instinct as a human being, and to… actively go against it is just… Unfathomable to consider. Not until it shatters your whole world.

Always forward, never back. And it hits me then. Somewhere along the way… I forgot my heart beats too.