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If we could bottle your luck, we’d have a weapon of mass destruction on our hands.”
Edward got jokes!
I felt a little frustrated with Phil, her husband of almost two years, for allowing that one. I would have taken better care of her. I knew her so much better. You have to let them go their own way eventually, I reminded myself. You have to let them have their own life.…
Yo that’s your mom? Codependent much?
I’d always been indulgent with my mom, amused by her, even a little condescending to her.
I’m getting the ick
“Don’t tell me,” I teased, forcing a smile. “You’re reading mysteries again, aren’t you? Or is it sci-fi this time?” Renée flushed a delicate pink. “That’s beside the point.”
Girl the gaslighting!!
Jacob’s suffering had always triggered my protective side. It was not entirely rational—
Well at least she knows
“If it’s no big deal, then why did Edward drag me to Florida?” I’d demanded. “Haven’t you noticed yet, Bella, that Edward is just the teeniest bit prone to overreaction?”
Believe me, WE’VE ALL NOTICED
I would never admit to him how hard it was for me when he was gone—how it brought back the abandonment nightmares.
Seek therapy
His eyes narrowed slightly. “But I am a werewolf,” he said unwillingly. “And he is a vampire,” he added with obvious revulsion. “And I’m a Virgo!” I shouted, exasperated.
Priorities
I was thrilled to be me, to be Rosalie Hale. Pleased that men’s eyes watched me everywhere I went, from the year I turned twelve.
Rosalie, 12?! I know the times were different but GROSS
So I could have been allowed to marry someone who loved me, and have pretty babies. That’s what I’d really wanted, all along. It still doesn’t seem like too much to have asked for.”
Fam your Mormon is showing
“But she’s a baby,” I protested. He looked at me with dark amusement. “Quil’s not getting any older,” he reminded me, a bit of acid in his tone. “He’ll just have to be patient for a few decades.”
EW EW EW EW
I was trying my hardest not to be critical, but, in truth, I was horrified.
SAME
“I’ll ask,” I said doubtfully. He made a noise in the back of his throat. “Is he your warden, now, too? You know, I saw this story on the news last week about controlling, abusive teenage relationships and—”
Asking permission, ick ick ick
“Would you like to go?” “It’s no big thing. Don’t worry about it.” “You don’t have to ask my permission, Bella. I’m not your father—thank heaven for that. Perhaps you should ask Charlie, though.”
Whiplash af here, like 10 pages ago he was singing a different tune
But I saw that you would freak out if I tried to make it a surprise party”—she danced out of the way as Edward reached over to muss her hair—“and Edward said I had to tell you. But it’s nothing. Promise.”
Siblings :)
For some reason, Edward had always shied away from any questions about his newest brother.
Maybe bc he’s a confederate
Carlisle sighed. “They’ve had two specialists debating that possibility on CNN all morning.”
Well at least it’s CNN
“When I was human, I lived in Houston, Texas. I was almost seventeen years old when I joined the Confederate Army in 1861. I lied to the recruiters and told them I was twenty. I was tall enough to get away with it. “My military career was short-lived, but very promising.
Stephanie Meyer didn’t get enough hate for this
“You’re not listening to Jacob, are you?” I accused. “It’s not easy to ignore someone when he’s shouting.” “Oh.” I thought about that for a second. “What’s he shouting?” I whispered. “I’m absolutely certain he’ll mention it himself,” Edward said in a wry tone.
No he’s fucking funny though
counter. “Why did she hit you?” “Because I kissed her,” Jacob said, unashamed. “Good for you, kid,” Charlie congratulated him.
CHARLIE don’t congratulate assault?!
“What happened?” Edward demanded, his voice going flat. “I punched Jacob,” I admitted. “Good,” Edward said bleakly. “Though I’m sorry you’re hurt.” I laughed once, because
Priorities straight
Emmett and Rosalie were there, Rosalie’s perfect legs, recognizable even sheathed in jeans, were sticking out from under the bottom of Emmett’s huge Jeep. Emmett was sitting beside her, one hand reached under the Jeep toward her. It took me a moment to realize that he was acting as the jack.
Hi Emmett :)
Emmett grinned. “Fall down again, Bella?” I glared at him fiercely. “No, Emmett. I punched a werewolf in the face.” Emmett blinked, and then burst into a roar of laughter.
He really is the best
“What was she thinking about, anyway? To keep you out, I mean.” His eyes flashed down to my face, and narrowed in suspicion. “She was translating the Battle Hymn of the Republic into Arabic, actually. When she finished that, she moved on to Korean sign language.”
Alice, the woman you are
“You know what I think?” I asked Edward. He laughed. “No.” I almost smiled.
I’ll never forgive the movies for getting rid of his sense of humor
“Alice,” he sighed. “Could you come babysit Bella for a bit?” He raised one eyebrow, daring me to object to the word.
BABYSIT? Barf in your shoes!!!
I leaned into him, ducking my head under his arm and cuddling into his side. It probably felt similar to snuggling with Michelangelo’s David, except that this perfect marble creature wrapped his arms around me to pull me closer.
I need to know what kink SM has that she cannot let go the fact that he feels like LITERAL STONE! We get this detail at least once a chapter
“Out of the two of us, which do you think is more unwilling to give the other what they want? You just promised to marry me before you do any changing, but if I give in tonight, what guarantee do I have that you won’t go running off to Carlisle in the morning? I am—clearly—much less reluctant to give you what you want. Therefore… you first.”
Coercion into marriage lmfao
“How did this happen?” I grumbled. “I thought I was holding my own tonight—for once—and now, all of a sudden—” “You’re engaged,” he finished. “Ew! Please don’t say that out loud.”
I literally forgot this is how it happened
“That’s it, isn’t it?” The short laugh that escaped me was more shocked than amused. “You’re trying to protect your virtue!” I covered my mouth with my hand to muffle the giggle that followed. The words were so… old-fashioned. “No, silly girl,” he muttered against my shoulder. “I’m trying to protect yours.
Need the rewrite where this is not the case because it’s grooooossssss
Thou shalt not kill’ is commonly accepted by most major belief systems. And I’ve killed a lot of people, Bella.” “Only the bad ones.” He shrugged. “Maybe that counts, maybe it doesn’t. But you haven’t killed anyone—” “That you know about,” I muttered.
Girl is delulu
“The same principle applies—the only difference is that this is the one area in which I’m just as spotless as you are. Can’t I leave one rule unbroken?” “One?” “You know that I’ve stolen, I’ve lied, I’ve coveted… my virtue is all I have left.” He grinned crookedly.
Edward is HOW old and he never fucked?! Unrealistic
He grabbed a down sleeping bag, a small tent, and several packets of dehydrated food—grinning when I made a face at them—and stuffed them all in a backpack.
Hey yo those camping meals rock
“I really couldn’t say, Jake. Edward is the only person I’ve ever kissed.” “Besides me.” “But I don’t count that as a kiss, Jacob. I think of it more as an assault.” “Ouch! That’s cold.” I shrugged. I wasn’t going to take it back. “I did apologize about that,” he reminded me.
And again we’re just going to skim over this
“As I said, I’m feeling oddly grateful for your presence in her life tonight. It was the least I could do.… You know, Jacob, if it weren’t for the fact that we’re natural enemies and that you’re also trying to steal away the reason for my existence, I might actually like you.” “Maybe… if you weren’t a disgusting vampire who was planning to suck out the life of the girl I love… well, no, not even then.”
Team Edward for life
“And when does this little truce end?” Jacob asked. “First light? Or do we wait until after the fight?” There was a pause as they both considered. “First light,” they whispered together, and then laughed quietly.
I did like this part though
His pain had always been and would always be my pain—now his joy was my joy. I felt joy, too, and yet his happiness was somehow also pain.
This sentence gave me whiplash
“Firstly, because it is cold.” He reached out to pull the sleeping bag off the floor; he wrapped it around me like a blanket. “Wrong,” I said. “First, because you are bizarrely moral for a vampire.” He chuckled. “All right, I’ll give you that. The cold is second. And thirdly… well, you do actually stink, love.” He wrinkled his nose. I sighed.
He’s fucking funny!!!!
A snarl ripped from between her lips. “That’s all you ever were to him, though. Silly to waste so much energy avenging someone who had less affection for you than a hunter for his mount. You were never more than a convenience to him. I would know.” Edward’s lips pulled up on one side as he tapped his temple.
Savage
Seth made that snickering sound again, deep in his chest. A smile flickered across Edward’s tense face. Edward stretched out his arm, his hand curled into a fist. Seth grinned, revealing the long row of dagger teeth, and bumped his nose against Edward’s hand. “Nice teamwork,” Edward murmured.
The fist bump :3
“You don’t have to be afraid, Bella,” Edward murmured. “You’re safe. I won’t hurt you.” The mystifying promise only confused me further. I stared at him like an imbecile, trying to understand. “It’s going to be all right, Bella. I know you’re frightened now, but it’s over. No one is going to hurt you. I won’t touch you. I won’t hurt you,” he said again.
Teen me was gagged here
“He’s not playing any game, Jake,” I said quietly. “You bet he is. He’s playing every bit as hard as I am, only he knows what he’s doing and I don’t. Don’t blame me because he’s a better manipulator than I am—I haven’t been around long enough to learn all his tricks.”
Jake this is gross
“He’s like a drug for you, Bella.” His voice was still gentle, not at all critical.
Well… that isn’t false
“I used to think of you that way, you know. Like the sun. My personal sun. You balanced out the clouds nicely for me.” He sighed. “The clouds I can handle. But I can’t fight with an eclipse.”
Ayeeee there’s the title
I have to be with you. It’s the only way I can live.”
Baaaaarf
“This had better not be about me.” Everything in my world was about him. What a silly thing to expect.
Bella this is so unhinged
Kudos as well to Brittany Gardener’s fabulous work on the Twilight and New Moon by Stephenie Meyer MySpace Group, a fan site so large that the idea of keeping track of it boggles my mind;
The acknowledgements having the official MySpace group in it sent me into orbit
