Would You Rather

by Allison Ashley

“There’s a picture of your face in the dictionary next to the word reticent.”

Mia laughed, and the sound washed over him. His chest expanded several inches every time she laughed.

“You should say yes next time.” “No.” “Why not?” “I’m not going out with some stranger. And I’m not dating a client.” “Why not?” she said again. “People do it all the time. The stranger thing, I mean. Aren’t we all strangers these days?” She pointedly glanced at her cell phone. “It sort of feels that way, sometimes.” He couldn’t help but let his gaze rest on her familiar face. “We’re not strangers.” “No, but you’re not gonna date me.”

“You drive me crazy,” she said. “For the person I know best in the world, sometimes I feel like there’s a whole part of you I’ve never seen.”

“No one ever picks me.” I’d pick you.

“Never have I ever wanted to kiss my best friend.” Mia quickly focused on the rules of the game...everyone who wanted to do that had to drink. She froze. Without thinking, her gaze jerked across the table to Noah, and her stomach flipped when she locked eyes with him. He maintained steady eye contact as he calmly took a drink. Her heart jumped into a sprint and heat spread up her neck. She tore her gaze away and blinked, turning her attention back to Claire. Her friend’s perfectly arched brow raised in question. Mia’s head spun, both from the alcohol and from the way Noah had looked at her. Did that mean he wanted to kiss her? Maybe he had another best friend. Don’t be an idiot. She dropped her eyes to the table and lifted her own beer. She took such a big gulp she coughed, bringing more attention on herself.

“Stop thinking so hard and just marry me already.”

“I usually don’t have to ask what you’re thinking.” Funny, she felt the exact opposite about him.

“What if you meet someone—” “I won’t.” “Noah.” “Mia. I don’t care about that.” His eyes dropped to his hands for a second before he looked back at her. His next words were so quiet she almost didn’t catch them. “You mean more to me.”

“Can’t or won’t?” “Both.” “Because you don’t want to marry me? Or because you don’t want to put me out?” She sat up and frowned. “Both, I guess.” “Wow. Okay.”

“Do me a favor and consider both options. One, be my wife for a little while so you can start your career as Colorado’s best registered dietician. Two, don’t be my wife and stay in a job you think is just okay, forever. It’s your choice.” He paused for a second. “You always say you value my opinion, and that’s why you tell me everything. So here it is: if I were you, I’d think about the one I’d regret less, and pick that one.”

They both did. Two years would be a long damn time. But if his choices were meaningless sex with a stranger while the woman he loved was waiting at home, or nothing? Nothing it would be.

Noah: Stop thinking so hard. Get in here and marry me.

It had been perfect for both of them, and he’d realized if he could choose just one person to experience these moments with—a concert, a school dance, or even just hanging out on a Friday night—it was her.

They’d said I love you to each other before, but only in the context of I’ve known you forever and you’re one of my closest friends, not the I’m about to go out of my mind because I’m so crazy in love with you kind of way. When it came to her, he’d felt both. But he’d only ever shown her one. It was important it stayed that way. And for the hundredth time in twenty-four hours, he wondered just what he’d gotten himself into.

“If you and I ever kissed for real, you’d know the difference.”

She’d worked damn hard to keep her thoughts about Noah platonic all these years. Had convinced herself she didn’t want more, and never would. She’d always encouraged him to see other women, despite knowing when he finally settled down with someone else it would hurt. A lot. It did, in fact. He’d had a few girlfriends over the years, and even if none had gotten superserious, her days were darker when he wasn’t around, like someone had put a black-and-white filter on her life. She’d never let him see it, though, and made sure she seemed supportive on the outside. It was for the best.

“Promise me when you find a real wife, you’ll find a girl who’s okay with me still being in your life. I know it will be different, but I can’t give you up completely.” “I will if you will.”

“Consistency in a man is one of the best qualities.”

“Hey, Paula. If you could give us newlyweds once piece of advice for a long, happy marriage, what would it be?” “That’s easy. Never stop showing affection.” She winked. “You’d be surprised how much a simple touch can mean to someone you love.”

Mia was right. It was annoying when someone answered a question with another question.

“I’ll take you wherever you’ll let me.”

“I am? You—you want me?” He looked at her like she’d just asked if he liked to climb mountains. “Of course I do.” “For how long?” “For forever.” She blinked as her mind raced to process what that meant. “Like, since that night in college?” He released an incredulous laugh, though his expression remained serious. “Yes. And every night after.” “Why didn’t you say anything?” “You said you just wanted to be friends.” She stumbled over the words. “So did you.” “I lied,” he said simply. One breath. Then two. “So did I.” “Well, then.” His eyes burned like fire. “Let’s go home.”

“I adore you. I always have.”

“It’s just... I realized sometimes you look at me the same way you look at chicken wings.” Mia’s cheeks went pink. “I do?” He nodded slowly, the grin widening on his face. “And is that a good thing?” “Hell yes.” “That’s good, I guess,” she murmured. Her eyes tracked down his body and back up, her tongue darting out to trace her lower lip. “But, Noah?” His brain stopped working for a second. “Yeah?” She leaned closer, her nearly black irises intense. “You’re way better than chicken wings.”

“I didn’t want to be that far away from you.” Her expression told him that’s what she’d expected. She didn’t appear upset by the news. Resigned, rather. He’d have preferred angry over resigned. “Why not?” she asked. He pushed himself farther up the bed to lean against the headboard. “Because once when I was several hours away, you almost died. I didn’t know if I’d get back in time. I didn’t know if I’d ever see you again. I’ve never known fear like that, Mia. It was paralyzing. When I say I don’t remember anything after I got that text from Claire, I mean it. I don’t know how we packed up, how I got to the car, or much about the accident. The one thing that’s crystal clear is gut-wrenching fear. I’ll never forget it.” He dragged a hand down his face, his stomach roiling at the memory. “I can’t be in that position again, Mia. The only thing worse than the thought of losing you is the thought of losing you while I’m hundreds of miles away. What if I couldn’t get to you? What if...”

“But don’t you see? This is exactly why I stay single. I never want to make you feel that way. I don’t want you to worry over me and stop living your life because of me.” “Nothing will stop me from wanting to be there for you.”

“I’m in love with you.” Oxygen stalled in her lungs. The hollow in her chest expanded, filling with affection and agony, the most beautiful and painful sensation. Was this how women felt during childbirth—hating the pain but knowing with certainty it was worth it? The tip of his nose brushed lightly across her skin and she shivered. His voice was deep and throaty as he said it again. “I love you, Mia. I love you so fucking much it hurts.”

“Sticking with your choice?” he asked. “That’s a pretty serious tattoo for your first.” “Go big or go home, that’s what I always say.” “Not once have I heard you say that.” “Well, I do.” He gave her a look. “When?” “I said it to myself right before I married you.” “No you didn’t.” “I did.” She arched a brow. “And back then I had no idea just how big I’d gone. Lucky me.” A laugh burst from his chest, along with a small measure of embarrassment. “Mia.” She laughed. “For a man who’s so good in bed, you sure are a prude talking about it.” “I prefer action to talking.” “You can say that again.”

The thing we fear most has the greatest reward.

“Is this what love does to you? If so, I want no part of it.”

“Noah and I have been friends since we were kids. I’ve loved him basically my entire life.” “So, he knew what he was getting into.” “Does anyone really know, though? There are so many unknowns. I married him, yes—because I couldn’t seem to stop myself. But now that we’re here, I can’t stop worrying about what it’s doing to him. What he’s missing out on, and what he might miss out on in the future. Last week we found out my kidneys are getting worse. I’ve known for a while because I’ve been in more pain, but have tried my best to hide it from him. But he knows, and his anxiety is palpable. Is his life, his experience on this earth, going to be stressful and limited because he’s with me? It feels so damn selfish to let that happen.” “If I may, speaking from experience, it’s selfish to push him away, too.” Mia balked at that, and Barbara hurried to continue. “It hurts when someone you love pushes you away. It feels like a punishment. If he’s anything like me, and he loves you half as much as I loved George—and I expect he does—he wants to be there with you. Take care of you. He wants to, Mia. And by refusing him, you’re stealing his blessing. You’re stealing something that’s his to give before he can even offer it.” “I—I don’t think I’m doing that,”

Just stop pushing him away for fuck's sake

“There’s something else I think you should consider. I tried to put myself in George’s shoes so I could be more understanding about what he was going through, and I wish he’d done the same for me. So think about if the situation were reversed: What would you do if Noah got sick and wouldn’t let you help? How would you feel if he was in the hospital and wouldn’t let you in his room?”