Hold Me Under

by Riley Nash

My apathetic dream state burns away in the sun and all I can see is Peyton sobbing as they ask her to identify my body with its pathetic rigor-mortis hard-on, and worse, the way she would have to tell my mom the news again and again until the pain is too much and they let me become a picture in her album that she points to and asks “Who’s he?“. I start shaking uncontrollably.

I messed up one time, just a little, and broke down bawling. I think she meant well, but I’m sick of the decent people in the world being expected to make up for the existence of the freeloaders.

It feels good to see him like that. He makes me cruel, like a toxic cloud rotting away the good and leaving only the worst. “Are you happy you ruined your life for a body you couldn’t even keep?”

But a second later, he flashes a smirk. “Are you happy you ruined your life for a mother who barely even knows who you are?”

I prop my head up so I can drink. “Let me guess. Your one partner broke your heart and filled you with internalized homophobia that has crippled your ability to love yourself, but someday you’ll meet a manic pixie dream twink who will teach you to smile again and help you rise from the ashes.”

I grab for him and miss, toppling off the bench. “Wait! You can’t withhold crucial information from your therapist! How am I supposed to fix you?”

“Melodramatic, but points for style,” I call after him as he stalks away toward the nearest intersection. And just like that, he’s gone, leaving behind a pile of clothes like he was fucking raptured.

I wish, as I disappear into the darkness, that I didn’t live in a world where the only way not to hurt was to shut everything out and live among your dreams.

“Why are you such a loser?” he asks conversationally, bouncing his heel so my whole seat wobbles. “I looked at your dating profile. There isn’t a single interesting thing about you.”

don’t have time to think about myself. But sometimes I wake up and I’m just made of want. I don’t even know what for. It’s all caught in my chest in this big snarl, but I can’t pull it apart. And it hurts.”