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Edward leaning motionlessly against his polished silver Volvo, like a marble tribute to some forgotten pagan god of beauty.
The last thing I wanted was some kind of celebration of the black event.
Attention is never a good thing, as any other accident-prone klutz would agree. No one wants a spotlight when they’re likely to fall on their face.
When I parked in front of Charlie’s house, he reached over to take my face in his hands. He handled me very carefully, pressing just the tips of his fingers softly against my temples, my cheekbones, my jawline. Like I was especially breakable.
“Be good, please,” he breathed against my cheek. He pressed his lips gently to mine one more time
The movie eventually captured my interest, thanks in large part to Edward whispering Romeo’s lines in my ear—his irresistible, velvet voice made the actor’s voice sound weak and coarse by comparison.
‘You must do everything in your power. What others cannot do, that is what you must do for my Edward.’
“You can’t have it both ways—either you want people to ignore your birthday or you don’t. One or the other.” His voice was stern, but not as serious as before. I breathed a silent sigh of relief.
He looked away into the trees as he spoke again. “Of course, I’ll always love you… in a way.
“You’re not good for me, Bella.” He turned his earlier words around, and so I had no argument. How well I knew that I wasn’t good enough for him.
I hoped that I was fainting, but, to my disappointment, I didn’t lose consciousness.
TIME PASSES. EVEN WHEN IT SEEMS IMPOSSIBLE. EVEN WHEN each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me.
dramatic but real
I didn’t know much about psychoanalysis, but I was pretty sure that it didn’t work unless the subject was relatively honest. Sure, I could tell the truth—if I wanted to spend the rest of my life in a padded cell.
Forbidden to remember, terrified to forget; it was a hard line to walk.
I still hadn’t been able to sink back into my protective shell of numbness,
“Nothing. I just hadn’t realized before. Did you know, you’re sort of beautiful?” Once the words slipped out, I worried that he might take my impulsive observation the wrong way. But Jacob just rolled his eyes. “You hit your head pretty hard, didn’t you?”
The shadows didn’t seem as dark as usual. Not with my personal sun along.
“Bears don’t want to eat people. We don’t taste that good.” He grinned at me in the dark cab. “Of course, you might be an exception. I bet you’d taste good.” “Thanks so much,” I said, looking away. He wasn’t the first person to tell me that.
How was I ever going to fight the blurring lines in our relationship when I enjoyed being with him so much?
“It’s just that, I know how you’re unhappy a lot. And, maybe it doesn’t help anything, but I wanted you to know that I’m always here. I won’t ever let you down—I promise that you can always count on me. Wow, that does sound corny. But you know that, right? That I would never, ever hurt you?”
The smile broke across his face the way the sunrise set the clouds on fire, and I wanted to cut my tongue
One thing I truly knew—knew it in the pit of my stomach, in the center of my bones, knew it from the crown of my head to the soles of my feet, knew it deep in my empty chest—was how love gave someone the power to break you.
Now, more than ever, I yearned for his carefree laugh and his infectious grin. I needed the safe sanity of his homemade garage and his warm hand around my cold fingers.
Once you cared about a person, it was impossible to be logical about them anymore.
“You know what makes me so mad I could just spit?”
“Bella, honey,
My chest felt better as soon as Jacob was beside me.
Love is irrational, I reminded myself. The more you loved someone, the less sense anything made.
Was I dying again, then? I didn’t like it—this wasn’t as good as the last time.
It just felt nice—warm and comforting and familiar. Safe. Jacob was a safe harbor.
But, even as I recognized that necessity, I knew he would take me in spite of it all. He wouldn’t even pause to think it through.
“Bye, Bella,” he called back over his shoulder. “I really hope you don’t die.”
“Jake’s old for his years,” he continued, still sounding defensive. “He’s taken care of his father physically the way Bella took care of her mother emotionally. It matured him.
He was not my Jacob, but he could be. His face was familiar and beloved. In so many real ways, I did love him. He was my comfort, my safe harbor. Right now, I could choose to have him belong to me.
I couldn’t let her speak yet. I needed a few more seconds before she spoke and her words destroyed what was left of my life.
“This isn’t just about you anymore. You’re not the center of the universe, you know.”
