Homecoming: Overcome Fear and Trauma to Reclaim Your Whole, Authentic Self

by Thema Bryant-Davis

found yourself living like someone you are not.

You may have started acting different because of how you were treated, or what other people told you about yourself, or how you saw others acting. You have not felt comfortable or safe enough to truly be yourself or to feel at home in your identity.

The recognized and unrecognized traumas of your past may have taught you to hide your gifts an...

A centered life is one that is grounded in your core values rather than changing based on the most recent trend, compliment, or outside expectation.

In this moment as we start the journey, give yourself permission to become aware of the ways you may have lost sight of yourself.

Cojourners is the term I use to describe our community—those who are somewhere on the journey between disconnection and reconnection, between wandering and grounded, and between homesick and homecoming.

As a result of White supremacy, many people globally have been treated better based on how close their appearance is to Whiteness.

While living there, I saw that everyone who was in a position of power looked like me, and this was liberating and affirming. I was at home within myself, and

This is a holistic journey. We do not need to leave our minds, hearts, bodies, cultures, or spirits behind.

In these religious spaces, people often receive the message that faith and prayer is all that should be needed for wellness.

wellness should not just be for the elite, the wealthy, or the few.

Some of us have been taught to arm ourselves with a toxic positivity that denies painful realities. Toxic positivity is the message that you can think and talk only about positive things.

Denial is never healing or transformative. When I cannot be honest about how I feel and what I need or want, even with myself, I am far from home.

We can distract ourselves with food, substances, shopping, and even perpetual motion. If you have spent seasons of your life chasing goals that really do not matter to you, that do not fulfill you, this is another manifestation of being emotionally homesick.

What are the things you have done in the past that have given you a sense of peace, clarity, fulfillment, or joy? What are ways you have fed your spirit, your mind, your heart, and your body?

Now begin to consider when you last did your homecoming activity—something you enjoy that brings you back to yourself.

I encourage you to make a commitment to yourself to engage in one activity that reconnects you to yourself and is not destructive to your health and well-being.

choose a nourishing activity that helps you to feel more connected to yourself and then decide how many times you want to do that this week.

“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”

Homecoming is a return to authentic living that is based on truth, self-acceptance, and an aligning of action with values and purpose.

When I am at home within myself, I have nothing to prove. I am free to be myself without pretense or performance. Homecoming is moving away from the detours and disconnections and coming back to the wisdom housed in our hearts, minds, bodies, and spirits.

The problem with being stuck looking back is that you never get to live in the present. The problem with focusing all of your attention on the people who let you down is that you can let yourself down by not paying attention to your own needs.

I invite you to declare today, “I refuse to participate in the silencing of myself. I do not consent to the erasing of myself.”

Coming home to yourself is giving yourself the things you have been waiting for, the things you thought only others could give you, and the things you thought you could never receive.

A sacred pause means taking a moment to breathe and check in with the silenced or ignored parts of yourself. What road have you been following based on your investment of time, money, and relationships? Where does this road lead? Is that where you want to go?

Many of us were raised to dismiss our feelings based on teachings around our gender, race, and religion.

Fix your face! or Stop all that crying before I give you something to cry about, whether said to me or other children in reference to the threat of a beating.

Survival for Black people in America has necessitated the mastery of masking emotions of discontent in particular.

Certain emotions are labeled as sin or evidence of one’s lack of faith. This can lead to toxic positivity or toxic spirituality, in which human emotions are unacceptable.

Whatever the cause, detachment from our emotions has become so much the norm that when we ask people how they are feeling, the socially acceptable response is “fine.”

In religious circles, the appropriate response is often “I’m blessed.” We can absolutely be blessed and still experience sadness, worry, and frustration.

“I have been fighting all day to keep from crying.” I asked, “What if you stop fighting and let the tears come?”

felt safe enough to cry. This release created space for her to be nourished, to be comforted, and to have her needs for expression and connection met.

Some of us become emotionally shut down from exhaustion.

Psychologists sometimes refer to this as dissociation, or the freeze response (as in fight, flight, or freeze). People may experience you as hard, heartless, cold, inaccessible, distant, or strong.

Stress or trauma leaves others unable to regulate or contain their emotions. You may often feel overwhelmed, or you may have labeled yourself as sensitive or “too much.”

overwhelmed by our emotions can have difficulty tuning into the feelings of others. To come home is to be able to hear my heart’s song without its being drowned out by the songs of others, and to be able to hear the songs of others without assuming their songs are the same as ours.

Emotional disconnection can come with increased risk of harm or self-deception because it is harder to pay attention to our internal alarm. With a muted alarm, we may neglect our own care, rest, hunger, and even the need to exit toxic jobs or unfulfilling relationships.

Michael is successful, but is always headed up the next mountain; he spends very little time appreciating and finding fulfillment in what he has achieved. Whatever he does is never enough; at his core, he believes that he is not enough.

Spending much of your time in toxic, draining spaces can contribute to emotional disconnection as well.

Suppressed or ignored feelings can erupt in tearfulness, rage, teeth grinding, sweating, pacing, hair loss, binge eating, and even self-harming behaviors such as cutting.

what you currently do to calm your nerves and consider whether the action actually leads to a perpetual state of running from yourself.

One reason why we run from our feelings is because acknowledging how we feel may require us to make some changes.

Your job or relationship may be boring, in part, because you stopped fully showing up. Neglected plants wither from lack of sun and water. Boredom is a sign that you need to check back into life and nurture the gifts within you and in your life.

invite you to give yourself permission not to live in warrior mode, recognizing that you want more from life than survival. You can cultivate joy by spending time doing things that animate your life and by engaging with people who fill you with joy.

I have worked with clients on this to help them rate the severity of an infraction so that they can then determine an appropriate response. This is important for those who quickly escalate from 0 to 10 and explode over minor incidents. Consider the types of events that are mildly irritating and would get a score of 1 or 2,

and go all the way up to 10, determining the types of events that are increasingly upsetting.

Yet another emotional indication that we are checked out of our lives is being stuck in resentment.

For some people, depression shows up in nontraditional ways, such as high-functioning depression, irritability, or anger.

Coming home to yourself requires slowing down. We have often mistaken being busy for being healed, but busy is not the same as healed.