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“We could take them if we had to, I know it,” Duke whispered to me. “You just have to go for their weak spots. Hit ‘em with a nut shot.”
“They can’t run very fast in those,” Duke whispered. “Good sign.” He stuck his tongue out the side of his mouth– his thinking face– before speaking again. “We could hit them with my sticks too. Use ‘em as baseball bats.”
“How about we tell you a secret?” Nick’s eyes glinted at me. Duke looked aghast over that idea. “No way! Then you’d want to kill us! You really think we haven’t heard that trick before?” he asked.
“Wow, you don’t sound too sure of yourself, Sister. I’m afraid you’re going to kill us,” he said with wide eyes. He pointed to his own chest. “I like being undead.”
I couldn’t unknow that I was straight up lonely. I think that was some people’s natural disposition in life. Like I could be with a bunch of people, but I still always felt alone. And maybe it was because I was way too in tune with my own thoughts. I wished I was an extrovert who could just be the life of the party instead of the one overthinking everything and wondering if anyone else felt the way that I did.
“You won’t even have to know lefts and rights for a bit, you could just know your bad foot side and your good foot side. It might help you learn!”
“Yeah,” he said dryly and moved to brush my hair behind my ear, “and you’re being mean to yourself. You’re more beautiful every single day. People are not meant to be sticks, Sav. They’re meant to grow and change. Your ass has never looked better.” He wagged his eyebrows at me.
Maybe feeling loneliness wasn’t such a horrible thing though. Maybe it made you appreciate the times when you weren’t lonely just a little bit more.
It probably stood on end making me look like a crazy person. That was good. People were scared of crazy. Crazy got answers. Crazy got shit done.
So, I know that you liked her too. After that first night of meeting her, I kind of felt it. And, I know you saw her first in the stands at Duke’s game. So, you really should’ve had dibs. But I just couldn’t give her up. I had to use up my time here and make the most of it. And she was The Most. She was the absolute best. I am so fucking lucky that I got to fall so deeply in love with her and be completely loved by her. She’s my fucking world. My whole world. But here’s the thing… I’m afraid I’m her whole world too… and I just still have that feeling I’m gonna kick it one of these days. So,
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One piece of advice- don’t try to be me for her, man, because you’re fuckin great yourself. Don’t forget that. Just be yourself and trust your gut. Maybe I got to be her first love… but you can be her last. I know you can do it. I mean, technically you have to- I’m bringing up the pact to remind ya that you have to at least try, buddy boy.
You’re my boy Griffy. Thanks for a great life, thanks for being a great best friend, and please watch over our fam.
No one gets through life without crying.”
“Everyone has their burden, Savannah. Maybe yours is just… that the love of your life died.”
“Watching who I knew was the love of my life fall deeply in love with someone else.”
I was struck by just how important that was– to be told that you’re wanted every once in a while… that you belong… and that you have people in your corner, even when it felt like you were all alone.
“Fuck yeah,” he said while shaking his fist out. “Drive to the nearest pro shop, Sis. I need to buy some baby skates.”
And forty seconds later, that idea was cemented in my brain with my first NHL goal. I knew that I was supposed to be here at this moment with the Callahans… It was fated.
“What? We’re the funcles. It’s the least we can do, Sis,” Duke responded. “Fun uncles?” I laughed. “Oh no, no, no,” his eyebrows scrunched together. “Fucking fun uncles, duh,” he responded with a smile.
“Yes, Savannah. Yes, it hurts to be alone. But it hurts to be with someone too. Sometimes fighting to be loved is just as lonely. I’m lonely too.”
“Maybe I’ll never love anyone as much as I love you,” he said with his eyes screwed shut tight, like he was afraid of seeing my reaction. “Maybe because you were my first love, and without you, I’m numb to everyone else. The problem, I’m realizing, is that you’re already numb, and I’m sitting here trying my damndest to love you.”
“That’s true, I haven’t. But everything’s okay. And if this baby here is anything like Nick, he probably liked the fall. Prolly felt like free-falling to him,” I laughed in an effort to lighten the situation. “I can’t believe you came all the way here though… I thought you were mad at me.”
The driving lessons. The sky blue soakers. The ankle rehab exercises. Being a best friend to Duke after I left town. Cleaning my apartment. Gifting me Beau. Researching sleeping positions for me… Griff had been showing his love for me in small ways ever since we were seventeen… All of his actions were like little love letters. My mind jumped to the next conclusion… and my heart hurt for him…
“It was me?” My voice felt shaky to my own ears. I looked at him in shock with my mouth hanging open… “Griff. Watching someone you loved fall in love with someone else.” I felt my voice crack. “You were talking about me?” He just gave a small sad smile. “Took you long enough…” I leaned forward and kissed him full on the lips. He groaned against mine and pulled me closer into him. He put a hand through my hair as he deepened the perfect kiss.
My connection with Nick was tender and young. Griff was my twin flame. Griff knew me more than I knew myself sometimes. And as a lover, he gave his all like he was playing in a championship game. We kind of had a playful game of competing over who was in control…
“Well, I figured I got a ring, you should get one too,” I smirked.
My mom always said that the way people entered into the world was characteristic of their personality… I never understood what she meant by that until Johnny.
To live life to the fullest, and to make sure that no one is riding around alone on a bike with no place to go.
