Sir Callie and the Champions of Helston

by Esme Symes-Smith

Sometimes it feels as though there was a lesson everyone else attended on how to be friends, and I missed it. I can be friendly when it’s my duty, but it’s not real. It’s not comfortable.

I got autistic coding from Elowyn

“What are you, anyway?” Edwyn pants, pressing as hard as he can against my blade. “Are you a freak in a dress or a freak with a sword?” “Both,” I snarl back. “And proud of it.”

CALLIE!

Cinnamon. I could kiss her!

Saaaaaaphic vibes

A knight’s first duty is to the Crown. And this Crown doesn’t need a knight or a war, he needs a friend and a hug.

omg Willow :'( I loved that Callie is such a good friend, and how friendship is equated with strength and bravery

“It’s okay to have complicated feelings about complicated things.”

so many wonderful healing lines

I’ve been going through this dance with my body for about a year pretty regularly. Every month, to be exact. And every month I get mad because I should be used to it by now. But every month I forget, and every month it catches me off guard like the sneakiest, most underhanded opponent, and it’s just not fair!

I thought moments like this were handled really well with Callie. There's a thoughtfulness and authenticity that comes from Own Voices authors that feels like a safety blanket as a reader.

realizing I’d have to go through this over and over was even worse than the slimy chunks of blood coming out of me.

just personally relatable with Callie

“I am responsible for myself and I am responsible for you. You have nothing at all to apologize for, and I’m sorry you were left believing otherwise.”

I think this was Nick? omg they are both such good dads...

Family’s the people who love you exactly as you are. That’s it. Whether you share blood with them or not.

MY HEART THE FOUND FAMILY

“You have been allowed to mistreat Willow for far too long.

Protect Willow 2022

You are worthy and you are loved, exactly as you are. Peran removed you from everyone who believed it and surrounded you with those who didn’t. He did so to control you,

oh god my heart broke

I am so sorry I didn’t see it sooner. I am sorry I didn’t fight for you. I’m sorry I haven’t been here for you, Willow. I should’ve been. From the beginning. I’m sorry.”

oh god

I can feel his whole body rigid as a rock, like it’s defending against all the things he’s stopped letting himself feel because they’re too big and too scary, and what’s the point when nothing will change anyway?

jesus christ my heart

“I tried so hard to be something else. Something better. I tried to be what they wanted, and I tried so hard it made me sick.

:'( :'( ;'(

“I’m tired of fighting,” Willow whispers. “I feel like I’ve been fighting forever just to keep going. I’m tired. I don’t want to do it anymore.”

this book was so affirming... so important

“It’s okay to be scared,” I tell him. “It doesn’t mean you can’t be brave too.”

I would have this tattooed on my forehead

I know, better than anyone, that you can’t just wish or work your magic away. It’s part of you, whether you like it or not, even if the road to acceptance is long and tangled and feels impossible. I barely made it myself, and there’s no way I could’ve done it alone. We’re lucky, aren’t we? Papa said. The luckiest.

:'( I love that Callie takes moments to appreciate their loving dads

“I just haven’t…I’ve never done enough. I’ve never proven myself. I’ve never shown him that I can be…that I’m not—” “Yourself?” I ask. And Edwyn breaks. All the hurt and the bitter hopelessness finally come crashing down, and Edwyn cries. It’s Willow who holds him and promises it’ll be better. The prince and his assassin. It makes a strange kind of sense, seeing them together. A friendship that persists despite the universe’s best efforts.

Edwyn... I have a feeling these two might be heading towards getting together at some point when they're older?

“My kid,” he repeats. “In all the ways that matter, and if you touch them, I’ll kill you.”

NEAL omg my favourite my favourite my favourite

“Leave my kid alone!” Neal snarls. “What kind of an adult are you? Proving your power by bullying children.” He looks at the silent crowd surrounding us. “Is this really the sort of person you want leading you? What is wrong with you all?”

NEALLLLLLLLLL I love him

Edwyn lets me guide him back to the others, all willing and wanting to love him, but only because I’m pulling a statue. Edwyn’s body is present, but his soul stays where his father left it. I know those feelings, from way back when Papa would ride away and leave me waiting for him at the gate. It will take all our best efforts to stitch him back together again.

Edwyn... moments like this were written so well. this book is so important

no one wanted me. I didn’t know how to talk to people or make connections, and I spent all my page years keeping my head down and hoping no one noticed me, so by the time I was a squire, I couldn’t stop.”

Neal :'( breaking my heart

I thought if I wanted love—real love—then it would be at the expense of myself. But here was this man who knew all the worst parts of me and loved me anyway.”

NEAL!!!! Neal and Nick are divinely sent

she thinks she’s taking it in stride, but that anger is something to behold.” “It’s the first day of the rest of their lives,” Neal reminds him. “And that’s a hard day for anyone. You said it yourself, Nick—they need time and patience, and a whole lot of love.”

Neal and Nick are the perfect adoptive dads for all these kids just... just all live in a big house together forever plz

“I’ve been moving so fast in one direction for so long, made to believe it’s all that matters. Now that I’ve stopped, it’s like…it didn’t matter at all, did it?

#relatable

“I’m trying to practice being okay with not knowing how I feel.”

THIS

A shadow on a sunny day, disappearing the moment the light touches him.

oh god my heart

“That’s how I feel too,” he confesses. “Like it’s all going to come crumbling down and we’ll be back to where we were. Getting comfortable will only make it harder when real life starts again.”

this was too much on my heart

“I wish…” The lump in his throat looks nearly too big to swallow. “I wish I could move forward.” “What’s stopping you?” I ask. “Me.” A little of the old fury casts a shadow in his eye. “I don’t know how to change. I don’t think I can. I don’t think I’ll…fit anywhere else. I think I’m too—” “You’re not,” says Elowen fiercely. “So don’t you even say it.” “What?” I ask, because unlike some, I don’t have telepathic abilities. Elowen stays glaring at her brother and spits the word like snake venom, “Broken.”

I cried

“Everyone doing their best to help me,” Edwyn says stiltedly, “everyone bending over backward to show me kindness I know I have not earned, they’re all going to be bitterly disappointed when they fail.” “First of all,” I say loudly, holding up a finger, “you don’t earn kindness. Second, no one is bending anything for you—they’re just trying to give you what you should’ve been getting already. And third, fail what, exactly?” Edwyn flushes heavily and looks away. “Making me…normal.”

EDWYN. CALLIE. it's all too much

It’s one thing to be brave in theory. It’s something else entirely putting it straight into practice.

#relatable

Edwyn lingers behind, wanting and wary all at once. Bravery is easier said than done; it’s harder to fight dragons than give in and trust. Papa cocks his head with a smile, keeping a respectful distance, and opens his arms wide. “Welcome home, kid.”

OH MY HEART NO I CAN'T... where's my Nick and Neal????

“If Edwyn feels like he needs to talk to his parents, then we need to let him,” says Neal softly. “He’s allowed his choice just as much as anyone else.” “Yeah, but—” “We can only trust that he will come back to us,” says Neal. “And I do trust that. But if he doesn’t…we have to respect that too. I’m sorry,” he adds at my glowering disappointment. “But we will be here for him when he comes back to us. That has to be enough.”

Neal is such a good person

But I’m not scared of pain. If it happens, I will heal again. I’ve done it before. I’ll be okay. Just like my bruises will fade and my bones will mend. It’ll stop hurting eventually.

Something I love is how the novel explores heroes, heroics and heroism. Callie is a true hero.