Sir Callie and the Champions of Helston

by Esme Symes-Smith

“Family are the people who love you,” he told me once. “Exactly as you are, regardless of blood and bond.”

Neal doesn’t get it, though. He made the choice to leave and be different. I didn’t. I never got the chance to try to be normal. Being me isn’t an advantage.

Neal’s been more a parent in two years than Mama was in ten. Even before he and Papa got together, he always made it super clear he loved me and had my back no matter what. I’ve never had a moment’s doubt that Neal is on my side.

“Not all battles can be fought with swords, Callie—remember that. And not all enemies want you dead.”

Who can pack up their clothes fastest? Me. Who can squeeze everything into the fewest bags possible? Papa (though I’m pretty sure Neal helped him).

I hated anyone touching my hair in Clystwell, tugged and tied into part of a costume that didn’t fit. But here, among people who see me, my hair’s just part of me whether it’s bundled up messy and out of the way or done up fancy.

We can cut a day out of the journey if we go straight through.”

Damn YOUUUUUUU

Even with Papa—the person I trust most in the world—she looks wrong in his hands. As small and useless as a kid’s toy.

That’s what I’m afraid of.

This whole thing breaks my heart. Here, we have Callie screaming out for the common decency and respect that they deserve yet, their elders address them as they see fit. Misgendering them and treating them as nothing more than a child. Which is a double whammy. Not only are they not a girl, they have to constantly battle in order for people to take them seriously as a percieved girl and as a child. The moment their dad "backs up" those who see them as lesser and "just a young girl", I can tell that there's a war that continues within them, almost like it was two years prior. That they're dad is their savior, but also highly complacent in how others treat them. And that, more than likely, hurts more than anything. It's like having someone in your corner until that person is backed up against the wall and does nothing to aid you in the critism. Sometimes, it is almost as if you wish they didn't have your back, if they are going to, in a way, stand to the side as you are thrown under the bus. I do hope there is more character development in the dad, becuse you can tell his heart is in the right place. He just needs to do more for his child. Actions, in the moment, weigh more than just saying that you have someone's back Otherwise, it is just hollow words and nearly empty promises.

I gnaw my lip. It’s amazing how I’ve never felt less like a girl and less like a boy all in the same moment. And by amazing, I mean awful.

For the longest time, gender felt like being crammed into a pair of shoes I’d never fit into in the first place. Except I didn’t get to pick a new pair. I didn’t even get to try on a different pair just in case. Day after day, I wore the same small shoes, and I kept growing. And the more I grew, the less I fit.

It was Neal who suggested I take off the shoes completely, and it felt so good. Like I was breathing for the first time in my life. Everyone helped me—Papa too. Rowena had been through it all before, and it was so neat to meet someone like me, even if the shoes were different. She’d been born into boy shoes, but girl shoes fit her best. I tried on boy shoes for a few days, walking around and wiggling my toes. And they were more comfortable, but they still didn’t fit. I wasn’t a she, and I wasn’t a he, I was just…Callie. Eventually, I put on “they,” and I haven’t taken those shoes off since.

Something about this, speaks to the deepest parts of my soul.

Now it feels like they’ve been ripped off and my feet have been crammed back into the girl shoes I thought I’d buried. It hurts.

They’re assuming I’m magical enough, that I’m girl enough, and it doesn’t matter what I say or what I do: Helston’s inhabitants are not going to change their minds. Fine.

There’s no anger in his grip or on his face, just placid confidence that he has every right to do what he wants, like no one’s ever suggested otherwise.

I would very much like to kick his ass!!!!!

There’s no point even trying to temper my fury. Taking away someone’s name is like taking away someone’s identity. It is taking someone’s identity—the very part of them that makes them them. I know what that’s like.

Wanting to want, and failing in that along with everything else. Certain there was something unfixably wrong with me on the inside. Hating myself just as much as Mama did.

Okay, so it’s not like this is the first time. I’ve been going through this dance with my body for about a year pretty regularly. Every month, to be exact. And every month I get mad because I should be used to it by now. But every month I forget, and every month it catches me off guard like the sneakiest, most underhanded opponent, and it’s just not fair!

UGHHH I hate it too!!!!

Not all wars are fought on the battlefield, not all fights are with blades. Some are fought with pretty ribbons and pleasant smiles in Council Chambers. Doesn’t make them any less important. Doesn’t make me any less brave. Oh brave Sir Callie.

Play the game to win. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter. Except it does. Other people calling me “lady” feels like being bashed in the shoulder because they don’t see me. Calling myself “lady” feels like agreeing I don’t deserve to be seen, that I don’t matter, that I don’t exist.

you. Her Majesty has been subjected to intolerable grief. You want the boy to lose his mother as well? The whole family is corrupted with weakness. They are lucky they have had as many chances as we have granted, when it is clear the boy is the weakest of them all.”

I want to KICK HIS ASS

You are worthy and you are loved, exactly as you are.

Most times when grown-ups say they’re sorry, they do it to shut you up and make you move forward. When Papa says it, he means it. I don’t think anyone’s said “sorry” to Willow in a very long time.

“I, Willow, Crown Prince of Helston, accept your oath, your sword, and your friendship, and promise too that I will not leave your side or betray your trust. Win or lose, live or die, we’re in this together.” He taps the top of my head. “Arise, Sir Callie, prince’s champion.”

I'm SOBBING!!!!!

If he was in reach, I’d kick him in the crotch. I could probably land a good one if I just stretched—

You will stand here like a good girl and wait for your prince to come home.”

I think I just internally retched.... EVERYTHING this man says, makes me want to rage, or vomit.

And then I turn and run.

RUN CALLIE, RUN!!!!

Edwyn’s to go with him…to make sure Willow doesn’t make it back.

Are you fucking serious?!?!

“Neal!”

DADDY NEAL!!!!!

None of that is true.” Willow’s voice is clear and unwavering, though I can feel the tremble in his hand through my own. “Callie’s the only person who’s done anything to try to make things better, even if it’s made things worse for them. They’re not an infiltrator—they’re a hero.”

I'M GONNA CRYYYYY

excused of all duties not

You are excused..... BEEEEYOTCH

I just mean…normal’s just the word they give you to make you fit, or feel bad about not fitting,” I push on. “Everyone is different, even if they’re pretending not to be. No one who matters wants to help you be anything other than what you want to be.

Welcome home, kid.”

AHHHHHH.... SOBBING!!!!!

It’ll have to be enough.

AWWWWW You got this, Callie!!!