Chatter: The Voice in Our Head, Why It Matters, and How to Harness It

by Ethan Kross

Strong emotions acted like a jet propellant, blasting people off to share their experiences.

We voice the thoughts in our minds to the sympathetic listeners we know in search of their support, but doing so excessively ends up pushing away the people we need most.

perseverate

Indeed, research supports the common idea that “time heals” or the advice to “just give it time.”

your DNA is like a piano buried deep in your cells. The keys on the piano are your genes, which can be played in a variety of ways. Some keys will never be pressed. Others will be struck frequently and in steady combinations. Part of what distinguishes me from you and you from everyone else in the world is how these keys are pressed.

gene expression.

“death at the molecular level.”

visualize.

“Solomon’s Paradox,”

Wisdom involves using the mind to reason constructively about a particular set of problems: those involving uncertainty. Wise forms of reasoning relate to seeing the “big picture” in several senses: recognizing the limits of

one’s own knowledge, becoming aware of the varied contexts of life and how they may unfold over time, acknowledging other people’s viewpoints, and reconciling opposing perspectives.

temporal distancing.

frequency illusion.

As our experiments and others later demonstrated, shifting from the first-person “I” to the second-person “you” or third-person “he” or “she” provides a mechanism for gaining emotional distance. Distanced

challenge-oriented terms, allowing them to provide encouraging, “you can do it” advice to themselves, rather than catastrophizing the situation.

challenge mode, their vasculature relaxes, allowing blood to move easily throughout the body.

Batman Effect.

There is a potent psychological comfort that comes from normalizing experiences, from knowing that what you’re experiencing isn’t unique to

If other people got through this hardship,

then so can I.

expressive writing is an effective means of gaining helpful emotional distance.

Sandberg’s post (my italics),

I think when tragedy occurs, it presents a choice. You can give in to the void, the emptiness that fills your heart, your lungs, constricts your ability to think or even breathe. Or you can try to find meaning.

“generic ‘you’ ” or “universal ‘you.’

And without exception, the conversations I had with friends, family, and colleagues made me feel supported. But they didn’t make me feel better about the situation. They didn’t soothe my inner voice the way distanced self-talk had.

In study

after study, Rimé found that talking to others about our negative experiences doesn’t help us recover in any meaningful way.

a “tend and befriend” response. They seek out other people for support and care.

In other words, when we’re upset, we tend to overfocus on receiving empathy rather than finding practical solutions.

our memories of emotional experiences are governed by principles of associationism,

New York Police Department Hostage Negotiations Team,

Harvey Schlossberg

Behavioral Change Stairway Model, a progression of steps to guide negotiators: Active Listening → Empathy → Rapport → Influence → Behavioral Change.

It Gets Better

psychological debriefing, an approach that emphasizes the value of emotional unburdening in the immediate aftermath of negative experiences despite overwhelming evidence arguing against its benefits.

self-efficacy—the crucial belief that we are capable of managing challenges.

“invisible support,” was the formula for supporting others while not making them feel bad about lacking the resources to cope on their own. As a result of receiving indirect assistance,

affectionate touch.

attention restoration theory.

Jill Bolte Taylor,

Michigan Skills Project.

Mother Nature is a veritable toolshed for our minds,

Imposing order on our surroundings likewise can be comforting and allow us to feel better, think more clearly, and perform at higher levels.

focus on the big picture

Use distanced self-talk.

Imagine advising a friend.

Broaden your perspective.

Reframe your experience as a challenge.

Reinterpret your body’s chatter response.

Normalize your experience.