The Forgetting

by Hannah Beckerman

Unwrapping it, he reveals a slim platinum band. It takes a moment for me to realise what it is, but then I take it from him, feel the weight of it in my hand, heavier than it looks, shinier than I expected.

Did he just run out and buy it? Has he kidnapped her and moved them into this home?

Dear Squidge. TAKE A STEP BACK AND DO NOT TOUCH THE BISCUITS!! You did ask me to stop you eating them! I love you. D xxx.

Oh gawd. Is Dominic also Stephen?

There’s no need to make yourself TOO beautiful while I’m away! xxx.

Controlling

Don’t let Leo steal my place in bed when I’m not here. He needs to stay in his cot! Xx.

Ew

a small brass padlock hooked through the metal hoop.

Control freak

Dominic rolled his eyes. ‘Oh, Squidge. I thought you weren’t doing Facebook any more?’

Isolating her

‘It’s just that I know how desperate you were to be a mum. I’d hate for you to feel pressured to take on a big promotion if what you really want is to have more time with Leo.’

This guy needs to fuck aaaall the way off

My heart twists beneath my ribs and I force myself to turn around, away from emotions I do not understand and cannot control.

Is she actually Livvy?

‘Why don’t we have an early dinner? I know you didn’t sleep well – you must be exhausted – and the fish pie will take a good hour to cook. Do you want to get the oven heated up and maybe make a salad dressing? I’ve got a few emails to deal with and then we’ll have a proper evening together.’

Why don't you do it, cunt?

‘Just turned three, last month. He certainly has his moments. Have you got kids?’ I shake my head, my chest swelling with a feeling I cannot put a name to.

I bet you do!

The words leave my lips and, once they do, it is as though I have launched a sledge down a snowy hill and know I cannot stop before it reaches the bottom.

Sled?

‘Forty-two pounds, on average. Forty-two pounds on coffees and cake. Do you know that’s over five hundred pounds a year? And I hate to say it but most of that’s when you’re out with your sister or your friends.’

Jfc, get out now!!!

‘I’m sorry you’re still there so late. It’s annoying you can’t call from the flat. At least you’ll be home on Friday.’

Another wife? Anna?

Dates flipped in Livvy’s head like departure times on a railway station board. ‘But that’s after I’m due back at work.’

Omg he's a cunt

whatever Dominic’s cavalier attitude, she knew that Christian wouldn’t keep the job open for another two months, and she was damned if she was going to give it up now.

Good

Stephen raises an eyebrow, smiles. ‘Really? Usually you won’t go near pasta. You say it’s the devil incarnate for women approaching forty.’

This has to be the same arsehole

Great homecoming. I get up at the crack of dawn to drive back early and surprise you, and you’re not even here. Where are you??

I hate him

Dominic said nothing for a few seconds, his gaze fixed on something out of the window. When he finally turned back to her, his voice was flat, muted, a hinterland between emotions. ‘Yet again, your family comes first.’

Psycho

‘I’m discussing it with you now. Jesus, Livvy, there are jobs outside Bristol. With all your experience, you’d have a much better career in London. I’m not suggesting this move just for my benefit. This would be good for both of us. Why do you have to be so unadventurous?’

Arrrrrrggfgghhhhhhh

‘You did what?’ Incredulity flooded Livvy’s cheeks. ‘You sent emails, pretending to be me? From my account?’

Not creepy at all ffs

Dominic smiled, wide and grateful. ‘I don’t want to put any pressure on you, but this really is my dream job. And I’m convinced there’ll be great opportunities for you too.’

I think he's a giant liar

received more encouraging responses.

Did Dominic send the responses?

‘But everything you said . . . about the infertility, about IVF? Why make all that up?’

Because he's a liar

Dominic raised a sceptical eyebrow. ‘Well, we can’t take everything with us – there won’t be room. And you can’t care about them that much if they’ve been stuffed in a box for the past fourteen months.’

LEave this absolute prick now!!!!

‘He thought it would be too much for me, after finding out about my parents.’ I do not tell her that I fear he was right, that there are moments when I do not know how to bear this trio of losses.

Bet they're all alive

‘It’s almost like he doesn’t want you to remember.’

Exactly !!!

Trying to ignore the flit of panic in my chest, I remind myself that Stephen is often home later than expected, that he does not have a regular nine-to-five job, cannot clock off at a fixed time every day. He tries to avoid bringing work home, will often stay late at the university to finish marking essays or plan the next day’s lectures and seminars. It is not unusual for him to be delayed.

Where does he actually go?

I think about the mobile phone Zahira gave me, crammed inside a pair of balled-up socks at the back of my underwear drawer, the charger tucked in a shoebox at the bottom of the wardrobe. I wish I had never hidden them. I should have left them out on the kitchen table for Stephen to see, explained where I got them from.

You instinctively know you need to

‘Look at me, Anna. Look at me. I haven’t touched the notepad. The piece of paper must have got lost somehow.’

I fucking hate this guy

The truth skittered through Livvy’s mind in search of a secure hiding place.

And then the front door slammed, the sash windows rattled in their frames, and from the bedroom next door, Leo let out a piteous cry.

Colour me surprised

why would Stephen lie to me about the therapist cancelling the appointment?

Because he's a lying cunt who probably tried to kill you

You know I’d never intentionally hurt you.’

It's all you do

‘I didn’t mean for it to happen. I’m sorry. It’ll never happen again, I promise.’

Suuuuure

He pulled her into his arms, his breath hot against her scalp. And yet, in spite of the resolution to their conflict, somewhere beneath the wall of Livvy’s chest, a caged bird flapped its wings.

Yep

We’ll send you the address later.’

Nah you won't

It is the Facebook page of Livvy Nicholson. And yet the profile photograph on the account is of me: me with long hair.

Knew it