If This Book Exists, You're in the Wrong Universe (John Dies at the End, #4)

by Jason Pargin

He shook his head. “I wouldn’t have wanted to deal with that alone, that whole situation was da filthy.” I whipped my head around to face him. “It was what?” “It was crazy. The whole thing, I mean, I woke up and—” “No. No. You didn’t say ‘crazy.’ Tell me what you said.” “Oh yeah, I said it was da filthy. It’s what people say now, like when a party gets out of control and stuff gets broken, the kids are like, ‘Man, that shindig was hella da filthy, hog-swingers.’” “Pull over. Let me out of the fucking van.” “What?” “No one has ever said that phrase in the history of language, and they’re not going to start.” “Language evolves, Dave.” “Not like this it doesn’t. New slang doesn’t come from straight white dudes, and it definitely doesn’t come from you. If you say it again, I will grab the wheel and run this van into a utility pole. So help me God, John, I will kill us both.” “I feel like this is misdirected anger that doesn’t really have anything to do with me. I know this hasn’t been easy without Amy, I do. You don’t do well alone. You’re not a lone wolf. You’re a wolf that needs other wolves. A team wolf. Like that Michael J. Fox movie.” “And I know you’re intentionally saying wrong things because you think it’s funny to make me correct you. Like yesterday, when I told you that good Italian place had closed and you texted back, ‘The restaurant business is a doggy-dog world.’ There is no way you think that’s how that saying goes. No way.”