Old Enough

by Haley Jakobson

“Doesn’t this stuff get to you?” I asked. She leaned her head to one side, inquisitive. “What do you mean?” “I mean, when we talk about—” I took a deep breath. “Rape. When we talk about rape. It’s a lot.” Professor Tolino nodded fast. “It certainly is. Is it hard for you?” “Yeah,” I said, the word flying from my lips. “I was raped. In high school.” What the fuck am I doing? “I’m so sorry, Savannah.” Her face softened. “Thanks.” “Sometimes I think it doesn’t count.” “I think a lot of us feel that way.” Us. Why was I telling her all this? “And I have to go to this wedding. And he’ll be there.” Professor Tolino leaned back in her chair and whistled. “Well, that fucking sucks, doesn’t it?” I had never heard her curse before. I kind of loved it. “Yeah. I don’t talk about it. Ever. Even though I know what it was. But I’m so fucking scared sometimes, that if I say it out loud, someone’s going to tell me I’m wrong. Because it was someone close to me. Someone that I liked. Had feelings for. And we were drinking. And Lara said this, like, in one of our first classes, and it just haunts me. How some people drink, and do things, with people that they have feelings for. And they don’t wake up and regret it or hate themselves and feel like they want to die. They think it’s funny. I don’t understand that.”