Someone Else’s Life

by Lyn Liao Butler

That I love him so much. I really do. But the darkness still pulls at me, trying to drown me.

But now there was no way she could handle the social niceties needed to engage with the woman during a playdate.

Annie’s father didn’t believe in therapy, and his Taiwanese family did not speak of mental health issues. Annie and Brody had an unspoken agreement not to let her father know that Finn was seeing someone after the incident back in New York.

Why couldn’t she be easy and comfortable around Finn, the way Brody was? Finn was her son too, yet so often, she didn’t know how to make him happy.

“Don’t tell anyone, but I have to take antianxiety medication. And sleeping pills sometimes. I feel as if I’m losing my mind, like I’m going to lose it at any moment.” She was amazed at the rush of relief she felt at saying this out loud.

There were days when life passed in a blur, the medication making her fuzzy. But without the pills, when those attacks hit, she was convinced she was dying.

The attacks had lessened over the years, but when Finn’s life had been in danger last summer, they’d returned with a vengeance.

Uh understandable...

No, she wouldn’t go to therapy, but yes, she would rely on pharmaceuticals. Because a panic attack was a physical thing, and the drugs did wonders to keep her body from failing her.

When she opened them again and didn’t see Finn, she shot up straight in the chair. Her heart pounded, and it was just like that day in August: the disorientation, the sweaty palms, and the panic in her body that spread like poison in her veins. Even all these months later, the same feeling of dread made her fingers tingle, her vision darken, as she frantically searched for Finn and called out his name.

But Sam had always been Baba’s girl. Just like their older sister, Jeannie, was Mama’s girl. Which left Annie in the middle, no one’s girl.

She’d caught herself in midsentence, noting how shrill her voice was and wondering what had happened to them. Why couldn’t they have a simple conversation without her turning it into World War III?

Murderers never look like a murderer. You’re the one who’s always told me that.

“You seem like you have the perfect life.”

Based on what information? You've been in her house for like ten minutes....

And these days, she preferred the company of animals to people. They didn’t ask any questions or want to know how she felt all the time.

She paused, unsure why she was telling Serena this.

Why indeed. She's sharing a lot of personal info with a random stranger who showed up at her house. Not weird at all....

“Every morning I wake up and say, ‘This is the day I’m going to be nice again. I won’t yell at Brody. I will be patient and not be so grumpy and grouchy.’ And every day, before we’re even done with breakfast, I’m already snipping at him.”

She’d never talked to her father about how she had struggled when her life fell apart. They just didn’t talk about problems like that.

With the sun starting to go down, the sky had turned a deep navy blue, a color that she had never seen before. Every once in a while, lightning flashed, lighting up the sky and illuminating the clouds against the velvety sky. It was beautiful in an eerie way.

And it was all thanks to Serena, the first person to really get her since her life fell apart.

In what, a couple hours?

Hot pot signified family to her, but she’d been so wrapped up in her own misery that night that she’d barely paid any attention to her mother, not knowing that was the last time she’d see her.

How to explain a panic attack to someone who’d probably never had one?

She must think it was too much info for a virtual stranger.

How do you console someone who’s been through something like that? Annie suddenly understood why people had a hard time talking to her the year everything happened. It was so hard to find the right words to express sympathy without sounding trite.

Especially because I’ve always thought you were so perfect.

She racked her brain, trying to remember if she’d told Serena that. She must have, though. How else would Serena have known?

She’d already told Serena so much about her life, and she suddenly wondered if it was wise to tell her more.

“I don’t consider those hospital stays ‘therapy.’ It was more like a vacation from my life, where someone else could take over and I didn’t have to deal with everything that makes life so hard to live.”

I studied you all, this perfect family that was supposed to be mine.

She had to stand here, in one of the worst storms she’d ever seen, and listen to this woman because she held Annie’s heart in her arms.

Annie closed her eyes for a moment, realizing she’d missed this, missed leaning on her husband when things got tough.