All the Lovers in the Night

by Mieko Kawakami

It’s like the night is breathing. Like the sound of melted light.

But you can’t fool yourself, not really. That’s why what matters is how you think about your work in your own lifetime, how much you respect it, how hard you’re trying. Or tried.

As I carefully observed them one by one, each new thing that caught my eye created a soft sound inside of me. I felt as if the glow of night was sending me a message, secretly wishing me a happy birthday. Every birthday since, I’ve gone out for a walk at night.

“That kind of thinking, I guess. Spirituality, natural living, all of it. It’s all so narrow-minded, you know? To me, it’s crazy. I don’t care what we’re talking about—God, divine providence, nature, some super-energy,

energy, the universe . . . Why would any force like that ever get caught up with stupid tiny human beings and their stupid, even tinier human problems?”

“Their so-called spirituality is completely self-serving, designed to make them happy, or make the people around them think they’ve found some kind of happiness. ...

I mean, when someone says something stupid, don’t you want to tell them how stupid they sound?

It was obvious that no one had ever stood up to this guy before, and he thought he could get away with it because I’m a woman, but that was exactly why I couldn’t let it go. I’m going to have to keep working with this guy.

“It’s not like I want people to hate me. I’m just not about to go out of my way to make them like me, either.

They say it’s different for me. That not everyone is as strong as I am, that most people are weak or whatever. But that’s not it. They aren’t weak. They’re dull. They don’t pick up on things.

But I can’t stand the ones who know better but still act all reserved to save their own skin. All they want is power and recognition. It’s all they ever dream about, all they want, and they can never get enough, but they’ll look at you like the thought’s never even crossed their mind.

In everything they do, they’re careful to make sure they never lose. They act like they don’t care, but it’s all they live for. You can see it in their eyes.

Still, you know what really bothers me? That they’re actually naive enough to think that no one’s caught on to their stupid little performance. These women think they’re fooling all the men around them, but they’re only fooling each other.

“They never say anything, but I know they all think there’s something seriously wrong with me.” This made her burst out laughing. “I really should start seeing a therapist this year.”

My head and my eyelids were heavy, but I felt light and relaxed, and most of all, it allowed me to step away from myself and genuinely enjoy a sense of distance from my usual anxieties.

Sometimes a memory jumps out at you, even though almost everything is lost forever. But what if all the things that we can’t remember are actually the most important ones?”

“When it comes to love, the only weapon that we’ve got is our emotions, right? So what can you do when your foundation’s all messed up? If that’s the state you’re in, there’s no way you can ever get serious with anybody.”

I’m all alone, I thought.

I’d been on my own for ages, and I was convinced that there was no way I could be any more alone, but now I’d finally realized how alone I truly was. Despite the crowds of people, and all the different places, and a limitless supply of sounds and colors packed together, there was nothing here that I could reach out and touch. Nothing that would call my name.

Overcome by how refreshing and soothing it can be to stare into the eyes of somebody you feel this way about, to be this close to them, as if you’re being remade from the deepest parts of you, I

It occurred to me that maybe I was where I was today because I hadn’t chosen anything.

was so scared of being hurt that I’d done

nothing. I was so scared of failing, of being hurt, that I chose nothing. I did nothing.

In a way, touching means you can’t get any closer.