Open Throat

by Henry Hoke

the best deer I ever ate was one I didn’t kill

my face buried in the deer and my eyes on him when you meet a big cat who will share a kill you can’t let go of him easily

the motion they make reminds me of the shudder but in a way that makes it okay they move like the whole cave wants them to move like a natural part of this world

the shape they form is like my shape

I go over to the spot on the ground where the men were connecting and lie down in the disturbed dirt my body twists into the same position the kill sharer had in death

I imagine the kill sharer appearing now at the mouth of the cave circling like I’m his prey and pouncing and connecting with me and the warmth we would make together with our eight paws and two dangling parts and four rows of teeth

she makes a circle of sparkling stones around my sofa and kneels and feeds me from her outstretched palm and calls me her goddess if you feel alone in the world find someone to worship you

I feel more like a person than ever because I’m starting to hate myself

a photographer flashes picture after picture and everyone who comes up and stands with us smiles because they know that the photos mean even after they leave they’ll still be here

I have no idea what it’s like to be a person and to be confronted with a me

every person sitting and walking has hands too and I see all their hands and I know what their hands can do and what their hands would do and the violence waiting behind every motion

people can’t see it but I can their end makes everything okay scare city isn’t scare city with no one around to say its name

this is not about need no this is want it’s a terrible choice but I’m making it just like a person