Open Throat

by Henry Hoke

my mother was very kind her bloodthirst was insatiable

I traded old fear for new fear

hands that could be grabbing bottles and throwing but instead are wrapped together and connected I think I’m kind of a poet because when I finally find a deer left behind by a herd its leg broken and stuck in a rock even though I know I shouldn’t know it’ll make the meat spoil quicker I eat the heart first

was I a threat or just on my way out

the name slaughter sounds good to me like something I could do like somewhere I belong

I learn about longing I get most of my new words from her she makes a circle of sparkling stones around my sofa and kneels and feeds me from her outstretched palm and calls me her goddess if you feel alone in the world find someone to worship you

I don’t trust screens to tell me who I am

I feel more like a person than ever because I’m starting to hate myself

I look around at all the space I have and I think of all the other space in this house and in every house on this street and in all of ellay and I think how the people of my town could be here too instead of burning in the woods

I look so scared of my own happiness

someday I’ll be able to write what you’re reading maybe in santa fey with little slaughter telling every word to her or on the other side of the world from the burning hills in new york with a therapist maybe I’ll write it from an okay future a future where I’m safe or maybe it won’t ever get written only growled

I love her and I’m thankful for the time we’ve spent together whether she summoned me or I found her I’m excited for her image of our future a life far away

every person sitting and walking has hands too and I see all their hands and I know what their hands can do and what their hands would do and the violence waiting behind every motion

people can’t see it but I can their end makes everything okay scare city isn’t scare city with no one around to say its name

this is not about need no this is want it’s a terrible choice but I’m making it just like a person

what I see in their eyes is what they see in mine

I retract my claws and try to become the kitten at the center of my self