Open Throat

by Henry Hoke

There is no creature whose inward being is so strong that it is not greatly determined by what lies outside it.

I try to understand people but they make it hard

I’m not sure what a scare city mentality is but I have it

I’m the secret member of town

I stay on the edges and don’t mess with their tents or their tarps and supplies but I hear them talk about me the older man in the left tent calls me puma the couple in the middle tent call me ley own the young man in the right tent calls me a different name every day but it always ends with cat fucker cat or shitfuck cat or goddamn fuck cat

I want to thank my people but I know if they see me it’ll fuck up our relationship

in new york you don’t need a car cars are loud metals that carry people to the park and that they leave in lines and clusters near the paths and that they can’t stop talking about needing but not in new york

it’s okay old is fine I’m old because I’m not dead

I don’t want my story to end here

fire is the only future

there are people on the way they won’t understand people don’t have to kill things like I have to kill things

with my last breath I think the word please let me start over

I learn about longing I get most of my new words from her she makes a circle of sparkling stones around my sofa and kneels and feeds me from her outstretched palm and calls me her goddess if you feel alone in the world find someone to worship you

she says because of people you’re becoming more and more isolated from one another she says sorry

I feel more like a person than ever because I’m starting to hate myself

it reminds me of the forest when I was a kitten when I loved the sunlight and there was more green than there ever would be again

someday I’ll be able to write what you’re reading maybe in santa fey with little slaughter telling every word to her or on the other side of the world from the burning hills in new york with a therapist maybe I’ll write it from an okay future a future where I’m safe

I love her and I’m thankful for the time we’ve spent together whether she summoned me or I found her I’m excited for her image of our future a life far away

scare city isn’t scare city with no one around to say its name

I say something it sounds like words it’s not what they want to hear