Open Throat

by Henry Hoke

I’m not scared of their eyes I’m the same color as my thicket and the same color as the ground no one sees me unless I want them to

the trauma girl doesn’t do any of that she doesn’t even notice that it fell and she keeps going and I wait and the moon appears above me I jump down and pick up the paper in my teeth I try to taste its importance nothing I decide my people will get more use out of the green paper so I take it to town they may have made it through the earthquake and they may have tents to keep out the cold and the rain and they may have piles of trash but I want to contribute this may be their town but we all live in scare city

I drag my deer to the twisted trees where it’ll be covered so I can make the meat and iron flavor that’s filling my mouth last this is a feast for a week I won’t need my people and their tents and their scraps won’t need to go to town I can take care of myself it’s easy to lie when I’m stuffed

my skin is starting to get loose and some of my fur drags and tugs on things it didn’t drag or tug on before it’s okay old is fine I’m old because I’m not dead

something explodes above me the sun’s already set but this brings the day back white and blinding in the black sky like a swarm of fucking helicopters there are cheers rising from down below like all of ellay is making this happen like the people forgot how dry my life is and they do it again and again more explosions and cheers and less night I look down to stop my eyes from hurting but the light doesn’t go anywhere and now the bursts are in my ears too I hear the sky crackle and fall down around me all I feel is fire danger this is too much the shudder inside becomes unbearable I can’t eat everything I’m afraid of

I remember how every day the kill sharer and I would meet by his deer and bloody our faces together and each bite that made the carcass smaller made the roar of the long death smaller too I would stay close and he would go off somewhere and return matted and hungry his teeth bared as if he had stories he wanted to tell me but couldn’t and his chewing was enough and I treasured the way he blew air out of his nostrils no deer lasts as long as you want it to

every bite tastes bad the body slowly becomes bones and now I’m alone a spotlight hits the ground next to me and the blood on my paws shines and I gag there are people on the way they won’t understand people don’t have to kill things like I have to kill things

I look again at the picture that can’t be me it doesn’t have a smell I don’t trust screens to tell me who I am

this is not about need no this is want it’s a terrible choice but I’m making it just like a person