The Infinity Between Us

by N.S. Perkins

It’s easy to not realize how much you miss something when it’s been so long, you don’t even remember how it used to be.

But when I gaze back at Will’s excited eyes, I know there’s no way I can do anything other than follow him. The story of my life.

“I’ve always been willing to risk a lot of things for you.”

“So there’s an infinity of memories within me, and an infinity of memories within you. But the infinity between us? It’s even grander.”

Ever since that night, when there’s a thunderstorm during summer, he comes to my room and sleeps on the ground.

With each day by his side, it gets a little easier to see why I loved him so much before and a little harder to remember why I need to keep my distance from him. Despite everything I’ve told myself, he’s still very much the same Will I used to know. I have the proof laying on the floor beside my bed.

It doesn’t matter how I feel about it anyway. I know I could never ask him to let me go, even if I wanted to.

His lips are tight as he dips his head and wraps his arms around me, almost too tight. I can’t breathe deeply, but if that’s what dying feels like, I’d let him kill me a thousand times.

But right before I’m taken away, I vaguely hear his answer. “You. I think about you.”

“I don’t think we could avoid it even if we wanted to,” he says. “You’ve always been mine, V, and I’ve always been yours. We just didn’t realize it.”

“I know when you look at me, you see everything that went wrong, but when I look at you?” He licks his lips. “Violet, when I look at you, I still see the love of my life.”

Just thought you should know that if you ever find it in you to love this house—or me—again, we’ll be right here.”

“I know it’s stupid, and it wouldn’t have mattered if it was any other way, but there’s this caveman part of me that’s happy no other guy has ever touched you.”

“They weren’t you, V. I didn’t realize it before, but once I was with them, I expected their hair to smell like your strawberry shampoo and their hugs to feel like yours and their laughter to sound like yours. I was looking for you in every girl I met.” His thumb brushes against my parted lips. “But there’s no other you, Violet. You’re it for me.”

“I love you,” I say, because how could I not feel this way? He’s it for me, too. Always has been, always will be. Will’s face lights up like the Fourth of July. “I love you, too.”

And when you hear the door close, you know you haven’t only lost your family, but also the man who owns your heart. A few days later, you receive a call. Then another. And another. Next, you receive texts. He tells you he’s sorry, that he made a mistake. He asks you to please call him back. He tells you he loves you. He says you and he can still work. You just need to call him back so he can explain. This doesn’t have to be the end of the two of you. But it’s too late. You’re already broken.

“Don’t waste your time being angry when you could be in love.”

“And who am I, Will?” A sad laugh escapes my lips. “I’m not smart like you, and I’m not loving and kind like Ollie, and I’m not sporty like Samantha, and I’m not even an artist like I used to be. I’m—” My shoulders get squeezed under his palms. “Stop this right there. You’re not defined by what you do, Violet.” His eyes are incredulous as they alternate between mine. “It drives me crazy that you think that. You don’t have to do anything to be extraordinary. Just being you is enough. You’re enough.”

“At the beginning of the summer, I would’ve taken any single scrap you would’ve thrown at me to be with you, but I’m realizing now that it hurts too damn much to be a permanent monster in your eyes. I can’t do it anymore.”

“Ever since you walked into this house, you had it set in your mind that I’d never be there for you.” His throat bobs. “There’s nothing I want more than to be your forever, but not at the cost of feeling your anger all my life.”

“Keep the house,” he says, voice low and raw. “Do what you want with it. I wanted to see if it could make you happy again, but clearly, it doesn’t.” On the last word, his voice cracks. He clears his throat, sniffles another time. “Please be happy.”

I want him with winter boots on and a hat on his head. I want to see him at Halloween and at Christmas and at Easter too. I don’t want my Will of summer. I want my Will of forever.

I never meant to let her go. Ever. Once she was mine, she would stay mine. But how could I do that when the decision you both made forced me to choose between the love of my life and my entire family? How? I didn’t think you could be this vile, but I guess I never really knew you, did I?

I don’t know if she thinks I’ve forgotten about her. I hope she doesn’t. I don’t want to hurt her even more. If I were a better person, I’d wish for her to have forgotten about me so the memory of us would never hurt her anymore, but I’m not. Despite not being able to see her again, I hope she’ll never meet anyone like me. I certainly never will meet anyone like her.

Not a moment goes by when I don’t think to myself, “Fuck, do I love her.” She’s in every place I visit, in all the love songs I listen to. She’s in the chocolate-cherry ice cream I eat and the 2000s movies I watch and the Jeep I still drive and the thunderstorms outside my window and the quotes I read about love and pain and beauty and heartache. She’s ruined summer for me.

“I said I love you, Will. I love you, and I’m so, so sorry for everything. I’ve made some mistakes, the worst one being letting you go. And I can’t promise I’ll be perfect from now on because I know I won’t, but I can promise you to try my very best every day. And I know I might need to grovel, but I’m ready for it. Tell me what you want. I’m not going anywhere.”

“I’m sorry, baby, but you’ll need to say all that again. I’m still stuck on the ‘I love you’ part.”