The Infinity Between Us

by N.S. Perkins

It’s easy to not realize how much you miss something when it’s been so long, you don’t even remember how it used to be.

Not knowing what I want to do with my life is one of the things that keeps me up at night.

I still haven’t found it. The thing that will make me feel happy to get up in the morning.

“Brat.”

BRAT SUMMER

It’s like he goes over every single inch of the picture ten times. Finally, he concludes his thorough analysis with a simple, “Beautiful.” I feel the word from my hairline to the tip of my toes.

God, I’m such a sucker. I’ve never been able to resist that smile.

He puts down his book, The Rise and Fall of Napoleon Bonaparte—yes, Will has the reading habits of a ninety-year-old, but I forgive him because he’s…well, him.

But it’s like it’s hit me for the first time that we’ve truly lost each other. And I let it happen.

“There she is,” he says. Three words, and that’s all it takes for my smile to vanish.

“Why would we want to keep a house that wakes us up in the middle of the night with a freaking hurricane in the hallway?” “Because it’s our house!” he shouts, no trace of humor left in his face. “It’s our fucking house!”

It takes hours for me to fall asleep, stuck in thoughts about what might have been and what used to be.

I don’t think the pocket, the one that holds all the feeling and the wanting, has ever felt so close to the surface of my chest.

Ever since that night, when there’s a thunderstorm during summer, he comes to my room and sleeps on the ground.

His lips are tight as he dips his head and wraps his arms around me, almost too tight. I can’t breathe deeply, but if that’s what dying feels like, I’d let him kill me a thousand times.

“I’m glad you aren’t with any of these tools anymore.” My heart stutters before he adds, “You deserve better than them. Better than all of them.”

“You look beautiful. Colin’s a lucky guy.”

I hide a wince, and not because it’s a bad answer. It’s a good one. The one Mom or David might’ve given me. But it’s not the one Will would’ve chosen. Will would have said doing what I love is the most important thing, and that my talent is a gift I need to use. Actually, he already has said that, multiple times. And even though it’s not the practical answer, it’s the one I love the most.

I could do all that. I could pretend I’m interested in what his favorite color is and what his favorite sport is, and then kiss him. But his favorite color won’t be blue, and his favorite sport won’t be swimming, and I can’t imagine his kiss being passionate.

He chuckles, the warmth of it filling the car. It wraps around my skin and infiltrates my blood. Stop thinking about this.

I thought Will looked good at nineteen. But now? Now, he’s sex incarnate.

I don’t understand Mom. She always says she misses me, but when we’re here and we have time to be together, she’s always working. She makes no sense.

“How did I get hewe?” “I carried you,” Will says simply, like it’s normal for him to lift me up and carry me around.

But right before I’m taken away, I vaguely hear his answer. “You. I think about you.”

I realized it was impossible for us not to be friends. We just don’t have it in us.

There’s some shuffling to my right, where Will was sitting, and next thing I know, he’s kneeling beside me. “Are you okay? What do you need from me?”

My heart still sees him as my person, no matter what my brain says. As if reading my mind, he says, “Talk to me, Violet.”

“I really look that terrible, huh?” While wrapping an arm around my shoulders and squeezing, he chuckles and says, “You look beautiful. It’s actually much less swollen than yesterday.”

“I can’t believe this. Every time I think I know everything there is to know about you, you find a way to knock the breath out of me.”

My cheeks are hurting from how hard I’m smiling. We’re living a summer night’s dream, and I never want it to end.

I only see her in this state, so relaxed and comfortable, when she’s with Dad. No one can make her laugh like he does. Even when he says a stupid joke that no one finds funny, we’ll hear Mom laughing at it, alone.

It’s like he’s my true north, and I have no choice but to follow him.

“Thank you for today,” he whispers on top of my head. “It was the best birthday I’ve had in a long time.”

I don’t know what it is about this style of strokes, but Jesus Mary Joseph, he looks so sexy I could die.

Water sluices down his body every time he comes up for air, and I find myself thinking I’d lick the droplets on his face if I could. What the heck is wrong with me?

I fake-gasp and shove him, but what I really want to do is kiss him. Holy crap. Where did that come from? I’m not sure exactly, but it’s the truth. When I look at him now, I want to climb on my toes and kiss him. I want him to kiss me back. I want his chest flush against mine and his skin under my fingernails and promises of forever on his lips.

“I don’t think we could avoid it even if we wanted to,” he says. “You’ve always been mine, V, and I’ve always been yours. We just didn’t realize it.” I smile. He’s put my thoughts into words.

It’s like the town is telling me it’s okay to grow because, at heart, I’ll always be the same person.

But before I can apologize for putting my foot in my mouth, he says, “I would’ve made more of an effort for you.”

“It’s so beautiful,” I say. “It is,” Will answers, but when I turn to him, I see his eyes aren’t admiring the idyllic scene. They’re on me, and in his hand sits his phone, camera flashing the second my mouth opens in a gasp.

“I know when you look at me, you see everything that went wrong, but when I look at you?” He licks his lips. “Violet, when I look at you, I still see the love of my life.”

Just thought you should know that if you ever find it in you to love this house—or me—again, we’ll be right here.”

“I really did miss her,” I say, my breathing slowly getting back to normal. “She really did miss you too.” I lick my lip. “And I really did miss you.” He pulls my head back to his chest, both hands squeezing me hard. “Oh, baby, I really missed you too.”

I know people always say that there are seven billion people in the world and that maybe you’ll never meet the one you truly belong with, but I can’t imagine belonging to someone other than Will. No one could understand me like he does. As if we share a soul.

I was looking for you in every girl I met.” His thumb brushes against my parted lips. “But there’s no other you, Violet. You’re it for me.”

“Don’t waste your time being angry when you could be in love.”

“You know damn well what I’d want, Violet.”

“Ever since you walked into this house, you had it set in your mind that I’d never be there for you.” His throat bobs. “There’s nothing I want more than to be your forever, but not at the cost of feeling your anger all my life.”

“Your mom’s not the sum of her mistakes. Her mistakes are a part of her, yes, but she was so much more than that.” He tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. “I choose to focus on the rest of her.”